I haven't blogged in a bit, figured it was time.
I'm going to talk about 'me'.
People who meet me think I'm cool. I smile a lot, I like to make people comfortable. I'm engaging. I LOVE to read/study, so I can hold my own in almost any conversation and most folks tend to think I'm much more educated about a given topic than I actually am. I have empathy when I others are hurting,even when they aren't outwardly showing it. I'm loud and boisterous, the very definition of 'an open book'.
People who know me think of me as strong, kind of a know it all, moral, honest, quick to aid in situations where I feel justice isn't being served and that I do what I can when I see a need. They know me as a dedicated and strict mother, who adores her kids and has chosen to set aside many personal pursuits to make sure that her kids know they are #1. People who know me know I love to cook and make yummy food for everyone to enjoy, that I love music and singing, and that I dance like a goober when the mood strikes.
The problem is....the people around me often seem to forget that I'm human, that I'm a woman (equipped with loads of hormones), and that I have needs. I'm not overly emotional, but good God, I'm not a frikkin' rock! I'm fragile...in many ways. I'm pretty broken. The strength attributed to me isn't really a facade, because I am strong, oft times even when I least expect strength from myself. But strong things don't stay strong without fortification, without mortaring the cracks, without TLC.
Most people in my life have no problems letting me know when I've failed them, when I'm being "weird" or "quirky", or when I've unintentionally done something that they don't like. I am almost never handled with Grace...and it's hard because, even though I fail, I really try to 'do unto others' as I would like them to be with me. There isn't a lot of reciprocation though, and I'm not sure why. I guess I didn't realize I was expecting it...maybe that's where my problem lies?
When I go about my day and I contribute to conversationsI often have to step back to see if there is any way what I've said can be construed in some fashion as to make people think I am correcting them, or 'schooling' them, or could be perceived as argumentative. It's kind of exhausting, especially because I KNOW my motivation and it is none of those things. I can't fathom how someone as open and kind-intentioned as myself can be so misunderstood...ALL. THE. TIME.
I AM strong. I AM intelligent. I AM easy to get to know. I AM responsible. I AM hardheaded(but not hardhearted). I AM a giver and a forgiver. I AM many, many things....but I am also fragile and I wish sometimes that people would handle me with care. Not with kid gloves, but with care.
I just want the people I have chosen to allow in my heart and love to approve and love me back. I don't think it's too much to ask.
We are supposed to get what we give in this life...well, by all accounts you'd think I must be giving the biggest load of shit...cause that seems to be what I get. How long 'til the good stuff comes?
As C.S. Lewis once said, "Onward and Upward!" I plan on going forward because I want my life to speak the Truth of who I am, and I want people to remember me as someone that they always knew loved them. I want to be thought of tenderly, with a smile. I want to have whatever little part of me that I give to others be treasured. And Mostly, I want people to know they are a treasure to me <3
