I haven't blogged in a bit, figured it was time.
I'm going to talk about 'me'.
People who meet me think I'm cool. I smile a lot, I like to make people comfortable. I'm engaging. I LOVE to read/study, so I can hold my own in almost any conversation and most folks tend to think I'm much more educated about a given topic than I actually am. I have empathy when I others are hurting,even when they aren't outwardly showing it. I'm loud and boisterous, the very definition of 'an open book'.
People who know me think of me as strong, kind of a know it all, moral, honest, quick to aid in situations where I feel justice isn't being served and that I do what I can when I see a need. They know me as a dedicated and strict mother, who adores her kids and has chosen to set aside many personal pursuits to make sure that her kids know they are #1. People who know me know I love to cook and make yummy food for everyone to enjoy, that I love music and singing, and that I dance like a goober when the mood strikes.
The problem is....the people around me often seem to forget that I'm human, that I'm a woman (equipped with loads of hormones), and that I have needs. I'm not overly emotional, but good God, I'm not a frikkin' rock! I'm fragile...in many ways. I'm pretty broken. The strength attributed to me isn't really a facade, because I am strong, oft times even when I least expect strength from myself. But strong things don't stay strong without fortification, without mortaring the cracks, without TLC.
Most people in my life have no problems letting me know when I've failed them, when I'm being "weird" or "quirky", or when I've unintentionally done something that they don't like. I am almost never handled with Grace...and it's hard because, even though I fail, I really try to 'do unto others' as I would like them to be with me. There isn't a lot of reciprocation though, and I'm not sure why. I guess I didn't realize I was expecting it...maybe that's where my problem lies?
When I go about my day and I contribute to conversationsI often have to step back to see if there is any way what I've said can be construed in some fashion as to make people think I am correcting them, or 'schooling' them, or could be perceived as argumentative. It's kind of exhausting, especially because I KNOW my motivation and it is none of those things. I can't fathom how someone as open and kind-intentioned as myself can be so misunderstood...ALL. THE. TIME.
I AM strong. I AM intelligent. I AM easy to get to know. I AM responsible. I AM hardheaded(but not hardhearted). I AM a giver and a forgiver. I AM many, many things....but I am also fragile and I wish sometimes that people would handle me with care. Not with kid gloves, but with care.
I just want the people I have chosen to allow in my heart and love to approve and love me back. I don't think it's too much to ask.
We are supposed to get what we give in this life...well, by all accounts you'd think I must be giving the biggest load of shit...cause that seems to be what I get. How long 'til the good stuff comes?
As C.S. Lewis once said, "Onward and Upward!" I plan on going forward because I want my life to speak the Truth of who I am, and I want people to remember me as someone that they always knew loved them. I want to be thought of tenderly, with a smile. I want to have whatever little part of me that I give to others be treasured. And Mostly, I want people to know they are a treasure to me <3
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
a love letter to my kids
I've been thinking a lot lately about the kind of mom I am....the kind of mom I HOPE I am, anyway.
I firmly believe it's my responsibility, not to just "raise" my kids, but to instill values that give them a sense of their individual worth as well as ensuring they will be productive and conscientious members of humanity.
I hope, above all else, that they come to understand a few things....and that the process by which they obtain this wisdom isn't as harsh an experience as mine has been. Here are a few things I hope my children will come to know.
First, if you see it laying around, pick it up. It doesn't matter WHOSE it is. This mentality of, "It's not mine so I'm not picking it up" is selfish. If everyone everywhere ONLY took care of the things that belonged to them, the world would be a VERY unkind and disgusting place to live.
It's every one's job to make our house a home- not just 'MOM's JOB'. When you take it upon yourself to observe and see what you can do to help out, regardless of whose "stuff" is around, and then you take action saying, "Hmm...maybe I'll just grab this stuff on my way upstairs," or "I'll grab every one's plate when I leave the table, since I'm going to the sink anyway," you are helping to create a 'FAMILY' atmosphere...and that will serve you well not only at home, but when you are no longer living under this roof. It's not fun cleaning up after other people, believe me....but one day you'll have families of your own and you'll be picking up after other people whether you like it or not. It is better to get used to it now, and have it become a natural part of your thought process. Hopefully, when others see you picking up their stuff, they will be grateful and in turn they will help you pick up your stuff. In serving others, we also serve ourselves.....because when we take the time to pick up what isn't ours, not only are we making a nice environment for others to enjoy, but we can also sit back and enjoy it....and realize that we are the ones who made it such a great place to be.
Secondly, no 'thing' is more important than a person. Even if the object was important to you, it's not alive...it doesn't have a soul or a psyche. 'Things' can be replaced, but often people can be hurt beyond repair if we are not careful so never place the importance of a belonging over the importance of a person.
Compare yourself to nobody. Don't compare yourself to your parents or siblings, not to your classmates or the neighbor down the street. There are no two people exactly the same. Nobody lives their life exactly like anyone else. Nobody thinks the exact same thoughts as you. Really, the only person you can logically compare yourself to is YOU. Think about who you were a week ago...a month ago...a year ago. How have you changed? How have you grown? Were you a certain way before that you really liked but you've noticed that you're not really like that anymore? Those are the only TRUE comparisons we can make....and the only ones that I think matter. Oh sure, you can see the accomplishments of others and aspire to do something similar, but you can't compare yourself to them directly cause you can never BE them...and they can never BE you.
Always do YOUR best, with your whole heart. It doesn't matter if your best doesn't seem to be as good as someone else's....if you know that you've given your best effort, then be satisfied. If you find ways that you can improve then do it ~ but not because someone else told you that you have some standard to meet....do it because you know you can.
Learn from other people's mistakes. Be observant and discerning. Don't fall for the lie that the only way to learn is through personal experience. There are many heartbreaks that can be prevented if you can take a lesson from someone else's life and apply it to yours in a practical way.
Be sensitive to those around you. When you see someone going through something, open your heart to see how they feel and do what you can to give them comfort. Don't be afraid of being taken advantage of because it happens to everyone at some point in their lives. Be a friend...the kind of friend that you wish for.
Be kind to your siblings (brothers and sisters) because they were the first friends you ever had. Yes, I know they can be annoying but they are also the people you can cry in front of and not be embarrassed....they are the ones you can laugh with until you cry and talk to in whispers way past your bedtime. They are the ones who will make stupid mistakes and come to you for help in fixing them...and you can find satisfaction knowing that they trust you with their life.
Learn what "unconditional" means and then work to be that way. Don't make the giving of your love and affection contingent on what others do, but instead have it come from a place of knowing that nobody is perfect and we all need Grace at some point.
Be strong in your convictions. Find out why you feel the way you do about a certain topic and then stay firm in that reason. Don't be swayed by fear of disappointing someone else, be more afraid of how you'll feel about yourself for compromising.
Don't be afraid to say you're sorry. As your mother, I hope that the times that I've pulled you aside and apologized for saying or doing something wrong stays with you...even more than the times that you saw when I was right. It's not always important to be right, but it is always important to be able to admit when you're not....that's the only way we can assure that we won't repeat our mistakes.
Learn how to cook. One of the surest ways to show those around you that you love them is to be able to provide them with nutritional and delicious food. Some of the best conversations and warmest feelings are formed around a table of painstakingly prepared meals, good drinks, and lots of open and honest conversation. Food is good...it's necessary for us to live. I'll teach you everything I know and look forward to the day when I can come to your house and sit at your table and have you place a meal in front of me, that you prepared with your own hands. Instant gratification....this is one of the only places where I think it's acceptable (although technically there is nothing 'instant' about making good food). The gratification comes with seeing the satisfied looks on the faces of those you've served.
Know that one day you will be smarter than me....and I am perfectly fine with that. Love me enough to humor me when I say silly things or am stuck in the mire of my own preconceived notions. Be gentle with me....because I have lived for you.
Know ALWAYS that I love you, no matter what. Know that you were mine, in my heart, before I ever held you in my arms.
Have patience with other people's stupidity or ignorance. Not everyone can be as amazing as you :-P
Lastly, give yourself 100% to your relationships, jobs, and endeavors. From the most mundane thing to the most extraordinary thing you ever do, be consistent. Live your life knowing that other people are watching you and possibly learning from you. Don't be embarrassed by your faults or bad choices, rebound when you fall and always move forward. Time is going to pass no matter what happens so it's best to take things in stride and grow. Take responsibility for your actions, be they good or bad, and don't "pass the buck". You'll be a better person for it.
I firmly believe it's my responsibility, not to just "raise" my kids, but to instill values that give them a sense of their individual worth as well as ensuring they will be productive and conscientious members of humanity.
I hope, above all else, that they come to understand a few things....and that the process by which they obtain this wisdom isn't as harsh an experience as mine has been. Here are a few things I hope my children will come to know.
First, if you see it laying around, pick it up. It doesn't matter WHOSE it is. This mentality of, "It's not mine so I'm not picking it up" is selfish. If everyone everywhere ONLY took care of the things that belonged to them, the world would be a VERY unkind and disgusting place to live.
It's every one's job to make our house a home- not just 'MOM's JOB'. When you take it upon yourself to observe and see what you can do to help out, regardless of whose "stuff" is around, and then you take action saying, "Hmm...maybe I'll just grab this stuff on my way upstairs," or "I'll grab every one's plate when I leave the table, since I'm going to the sink anyway," you are helping to create a 'FAMILY' atmosphere...and that will serve you well not only at home, but when you are no longer living under this roof. It's not fun cleaning up after other people, believe me....but one day you'll have families of your own and you'll be picking up after other people whether you like it or not. It is better to get used to it now, and have it become a natural part of your thought process. Hopefully, when others see you picking up their stuff, they will be grateful and in turn they will help you pick up your stuff. In serving others, we also serve ourselves.....because when we take the time to pick up what isn't ours, not only are we making a nice environment for others to enjoy, but we can also sit back and enjoy it....and realize that we are the ones who made it such a great place to be.
Secondly, no 'thing' is more important than a person. Even if the object was important to you, it's not alive...it doesn't have a soul or a psyche. 'Things' can be replaced, but often people can be hurt beyond repair if we are not careful so never place the importance of a belonging over the importance of a person.
Compare yourself to nobody. Don't compare yourself to your parents or siblings, not to your classmates or the neighbor down the street. There are no two people exactly the same. Nobody lives their life exactly like anyone else. Nobody thinks the exact same thoughts as you. Really, the only person you can logically compare yourself to is YOU. Think about who you were a week ago...a month ago...a year ago. How have you changed? How have you grown? Were you a certain way before that you really liked but you've noticed that you're not really like that anymore? Those are the only TRUE comparisons we can make....and the only ones that I think matter. Oh sure, you can see the accomplishments of others and aspire to do something similar, but you can't compare yourself to them directly cause you can never BE them...and they can never BE you.
Always do YOUR best, with your whole heart. It doesn't matter if your best doesn't seem to be as good as someone else's....if you know that you've given your best effort, then be satisfied. If you find ways that you can improve then do it ~ but not because someone else told you that you have some standard to meet....do it because you know you can.
Learn from other people's mistakes. Be observant and discerning. Don't fall for the lie that the only way to learn is through personal experience. There are many heartbreaks that can be prevented if you can take a lesson from someone else's life and apply it to yours in a practical way.
Be sensitive to those around you. When you see someone going through something, open your heart to see how they feel and do what you can to give them comfort. Don't be afraid of being taken advantage of because it happens to everyone at some point in their lives. Be a friend...the kind of friend that you wish for.
Be kind to your siblings (brothers and sisters) because they were the first friends you ever had. Yes, I know they can be annoying but they are also the people you can cry in front of and not be embarrassed....they are the ones you can laugh with until you cry and talk to in whispers way past your bedtime. They are the ones who will make stupid mistakes and come to you for help in fixing them...and you can find satisfaction knowing that they trust you with their life.
Learn what "unconditional" means and then work to be that way. Don't make the giving of your love and affection contingent on what others do, but instead have it come from a place of knowing that nobody is perfect and we all need Grace at some point.
Be strong in your convictions. Find out why you feel the way you do about a certain topic and then stay firm in that reason. Don't be swayed by fear of disappointing someone else, be more afraid of how you'll feel about yourself for compromising.
Don't be afraid to say you're sorry. As your mother, I hope that the times that I've pulled you aside and apologized for saying or doing something wrong stays with you...even more than the times that you saw when I was right. It's not always important to be right, but it is always important to be able to admit when you're not....that's the only way we can assure that we won't repeat our mistakes.
Learn how to cook. One of the surest ways to show those around you that you love them is to be able to provide them with nutritional and delicious food. Some of the best conversations and warmest feelings are formed around a table of painstakingly prepared meals, good drinks, and lots of open and honest conversation. Food is good...it's necessary for us to live. I'll teach you everything I know and look forward to the day when I can come to your house and sit at your table and have you place a meal in front of me, that you prepared with your own hands. Instant gratification....this is one of the only places where I think it's acceptable (although technically there is nothing 'instant' about making good food). The gratification comes with seeing the satisfied looks on the faces of those you've served.
Know that one day you will be smarter than me....and I am perfectly fine with that. Love me enough to humor me when I say silly things or am stuck in the mire of my own preconceived notions. Be gentle with me....because I have lived for you.
Know ALWAYS that I love you, no matter what. Know that you were mine, in my heart, before I ever held you in my arms.
Have patience with other people's stupidity or ignorance. Not everyone can be as amazing as you :-P
Lastly, give yourself 100% to your relationships, jobs, and endeavors. From the most mundane thing to the most extraordinary thing you ever do, be consistent. Live your life knowing that other people are watching you and possibly learning from you. Don't be embarrassed by your faults or bad choices, rebound when you fall and always move forward. Time is going to pass no matter what happens so it's best to take things in stride and grow. Take responsibility for your actions, be they good or bad, and don't "pass the buck". You'll be a better person for it.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
With Liberty....for ALL.
Our country was founded by Diests, the majority of them looking for a freedom to believe in whatever they chose without recourse. I think it is safe to assume that the Founding Fathers didn't mean for our freedoms to lead us to freedom FROM religion. The acknowledgement of the Almighty in our historical documents shows that belief in something bigger than ourselves is part of what our country was founded upon.....VALUES.....not RELIGION. In my view the far left is just as guilty as the far right of perpetuating stereotypes, bigotry, and hatred for anyone who thinks/believes different than they do. How about divorcing from ALL things extreme and finding middle ground? After all....all of our major faiths ascribe to the notion that we should treat others as we wish to be treated.
Bahá'í Faith:
"Ascribe not to any soul that which thou wouldst not have ascribed to thee, and say not that which thou doest not."
Brahmanism: "This is the sum of Dharma [duty]: Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you". Mahabharata, 5:1517 "
Buddhism:
"...a state that is not pleasing or delightful to me, how could I inflict that upon another?"
Christianity:
"Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets." Matthew 7:12, King James Version.
"And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." Luke 6:31, King James Version.
Confucianism:
"Do not do to others what you do not want them to do to you" Analects 15:23
"Tse-kung asked, 'Is there one word that can serve as a principle of conduct for life?' Confucius replied, 'It is the word 'shu' -- reciprocity. Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire.'" Doctrine of the Mean 13.3
Ancient Egyptian:
"Do for one who may do for you, that you may cause him thus to do." The Tale of the Eloquent Peasant, 109 - 110 Translated by R.B. Parkinson. The original dates to 1970 to 1640 BCE and may be the earliest version ever written. 3
Hinduism:
This is the sum of duty: do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you. Mahabharata 5:1517
Humanism:
"(5) Humanists acknowledge human interdependence, the need for mutual respect and the kinship of all humanity."
Islam: "None of you [truly] believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself." Number 13 of Imam "Al-Nawawi's Forty Hadiths." 5
Jainism:
"A man should wander about treating all creatures as he himself would be treated. "Sutrakritanga 1.11.33
Judaism:
"...thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.", Leviticus 19:18
Native American Spirituality:
"Respect for all life is the foundation." The Great Law of Peace.
Roman Pagan Religion: "The law imprinted on the hearts of all men is to love the members of society as themselves."
Shinto:
"The heart of the person before you is a mirror. See there your own form"
Sufism: "The basis of Sufism is consideration of the hearts and feelings of others. If you haven't the will to gladden someone's heart, then at least beware lest you hurt someone's heart, for on our path, no sin exists but this." Dr. Javad Nurbakhsh, Master of the Nimatullahi Sufi Order.
Taoism:
"Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain, and your neighbor's loss as your own loss." T'ai Shang Kan Ying P'ien.
Unitarian:
"The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;"
"We affirm and promote respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part." Unitarian principles. 7,8
Wicca: "An it harm no one, do what thou wilt" (i.e. do what ever you will, as long as it harms nobody, including yourself). One's will is to be carefully thought out in advance of action. This is called the Wiccan Rede
Yoruba: (Nigeria): "One going to take a pointed stick to pinch a baby bird should first try it on himself to feel how it hurts."
Zoroastrianism:
"That nature alone is good which refrains from doing unto another whatsoever is not good for itself". Dadistan-i-dinik 94:5
"Whatever is disagreeable to yourself do not do unto others." Shayast-na-Shayast 13:29
My point is, why don't we STOP pointing fingers at which side is wrong or right. All beliefs have a place in the 'marketplace' and those expressions should be allowed.....ALL of them.
This is America and we are not a theocracy...never have been. We are a Democratic Republic based on values of Life, Liberty, and our individual rights to pursue that which makes us happy as long as it doesn't harm others.
Bahá'í Faith:
"Ascribe not to any soul that which thou wouldst not have ascribed to thee, and say not that which thou doest not."
Brahmanism: "This is the sum of Dharma [duty]: Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you". Mahabharata, 5:1517 "
Buddhism:
"...a state that is not pleasing or delightful to me, how could I inflict that upon another?"
Christianity:
"Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets." Matthew 7:12, King James Version.
"And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." Luke 6:31, King James Version.
Confucianism:
"Do not do to others what you do not want them to do to you" Analects 15:23
"Tse-kung asked, 'Is there one word that can serve as a principle of conduct for life?' Confucius replied, 'It is the word 'shu' -- reciprocity. Do not impose on others what you yourself do not desire.'" Doctrine of the Mean 13.3
Ancient Egyptian:
"Do for one who may do for you, that you may cause him thus to do." The Tale of the Eloquent Peasant, 109 - 110 Translated by R.B. Parkinson. The original dates to 1970 to 1640 BCE and may be the earliest version ever written. 3
Hinduism:
This is the sum of duty: do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you. Mahabharata 5:1517
Humanism:
"(5) Humanists acknowledge human interdependence, the need for mutual respect and the kinship of all humanity."
Islam: "None of you [truly] believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself." Number 13 of Imam "Al-Nawawi's Forty Hadiths." 5
Jainism:
"A man should wander about treating all creatures as he himself would be treated. "Sutrakritanga 1.11.33
Judaism:
"...thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.", Leviticus 19:18
Native American Spirituality:
"Respect for all life is the foundation." The Great Law of Peace.
Roman Pagan Religion: "The law imprinted on the hearts of all men is to love the members of society as themselves."
Shinto:
"The heart of the person before you is a mirror. See there your own form"
Sufism: "The basis of Sufism is consideration of the hearts and feelings of others. If you haven't the will to gladden someone's heart, then at least beware lest you hurt someone's heart, for on our path, no sin exists but this." Dr. Javad Nurbakhsh, Master of the Nimatullahi Sufi Order.
Taoism:
"Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain, and your neighbor's loss as your own loss." T'ai Shang Kan Ying P'ien.
Unitarian:
"The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;"
"We affirm and promote respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part." Unitarian principles. 7,8
Wicca: "An it harm no one, do what thou wilt" (i.e. do what ever you will, as long as it harms nobody, including yourself). One's will is to be carefully thought out in advance of action. This is called the Wiccan Rede
Yoruba: (Nigeria): "One going to take a pointed stick to pinch a baby bird should first try it on himself to feel how it hurts."
Zoroastrianism:
"That nature alone is good which refrains from doing unto another whatsoever is not good for itself". Dadistan-i-dinik 94:5
"Whatever is disagreeable to yourself do not do unto others." Shayast-na-Shayast 13:29
My point is, why don't we STOP pointing fingers at which side is wrong or right. All beliefs have a place in the 'marketplace' and those expressions should be allowed.....ALL of them.
This is America and we are not a theocracy...never have been. We are a Democratic Republic based on values of Life, Liberty, and our individual rights to pursue that which makes us happy as long as it doesn't harm others.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The "Ugly Green Monster"
Yes, I'm talking about jealousy.
I'm not jealous of those who have more money than I. I'm not jealous of women who are better looking than me. I'm not jealous of my Husband finding other women attractive. I'm not jealous over silly, petty things....or at least I didn't think I was.
I'm jealous of my ex being with our children.
I know, I know....he has a RIGHT to have a relationship with his progeny. I KNOW THIS! He deserves to foster a relationship with the kids ~ they are half him too. In fact, I would never do anything to deny him access to them because I KNOW they need to be with their father. It's just....*sigh*....
He is the "fun guy". His time with them is so limited that every moment he spends with them is spectacular. From seeing every movie possible to buying the best clothes/books/toys, to taking the most amazing Disney/Sea World/Universal Studios, etc. vacations, EVERYTHING he does with them is just SO big and SO fun that I fear the kids will want THAT instead of me.
Our life at home is typical. It's mundane. We have a routine, homework, chores, getting along....we have rules about obedience and consequences, respect, treating each other the way we want to be treated. Day in and day out, things are pretty much the same. I'm pretty strict and expect certain behavior. I'm insistent on getting homework done in a timely manner, and then Ian and I take another 30 to 60 minutes to do some 'extra' work with Hooked on Phonics because he NEEDS the extra help. Ian doesn't necessarily like the extra work, but he struggles enough without it. Ciera is prepubescent and sometimes the 'attitude' rears it's head. I'm very quick to deal with the issues surrounding that, letting her know that while it's ok to have whatever feelings she does, it's NOT ok to be a twit. I don't let the kids get away with ANYTHING. I have strict bedtime rules, because I believe that children NEED to get sleep in order to grow and function properly. All of this and more are things that are just normal, boring parts of our life. Things that the kids don't necessarily like, but they do them nonetheless.
On the other hand, when they are with their father, they get 'stuff'. They go out and do things all the time. They stay up until all hours, and drink soda and play video games. They ask, and he gets it for them. He randomly shows up at school and sports functions, swoops in like a "hero" and appears to be this doting and involved parent ~ and EVERYONE gives him credit for it!
Example:
Yesterday was Ian's Valentine's party at school. I knew that his father was picking him up for the weekend. Well, I find out after the fact that he actually went to the school, sat with Ian's class, watched a movie with them all, giggled and played with Ian's classmates, and had a talk with Ian's teacher ~ asked her how Ian was doing with his school work, was he a good boy, did he "need a knuckle sandwich"..all good things (and the teacher replied that he was doing wonderful, completed his assignments, and was steadily improving, etc.). The problem I have is that he came in acting like he is so involved, with his charming personality and big grin, when the ONLY reason Ian is doing so well is because of ME. He is constantly taking credit for the amazing things our kids are accomplishing when he has NOTHING to do with them accomplishing them!
He does this ALL the time. He shows up just in the nick of time to be a part of all the 'good' stuff. He is a frikkin' HERO to the kids ~ and all he does is participate in the easy, fun parts of life!
I KNOW this sounds SO petty and ridiculous. I mean, c'mon...give the guy a break. He's out there 'serving' the country and being a part of the kids lives as he can.
Wait.
I take that back.
Because really, he is a part of their lives when it's convenient for him. When it doesn't interfere with going to a football game or getting laid. Only they don't know this...and I can't tell them. They don't know that he payed himself back for visiting with them by taking it out of their child support. YES! He did that!
I get told all the time that, "They are smart. They'll see the bigger picture. They will know who is REALLY investing in their lives. They'll see him for who he really is....", but I don't buy it. I've already been told by Ciera (in a VERY innocent way) that if her father didn't have a revolving door of roommates and girlfriends, she would want to live with him. *HEARTBREAK*
He doesn't even wash their clothes when he has them - his mother does! He doesn't cut fingernails or toenails. He doesn't trim their hair in hairstyles THEY choose (the one time he got Ian a haircut, it was a mowhawk and Ian was mortified and hated it...his father made him get one anyway...Ian asked me to cut it as soon as he walked in the door.). He doesn't take them to the Dr. when they get sick - both of them have come home before, clearly stricken with pinkeye, or coughing their brains out and he does nothing. Ciera suffers from eczema, plaque psoriasis, and chronic hives (which is exacerbated every time she spends time with him). Her poor hands peel like crazy. Her father told her (not ME) that she needed to see a Dermatologist~ but did HE take her to see one? No. I am the one who slathers her with creams to make sure her poor skin stays supple and unirritated. He doesn't even comb Ciera's hair.
AAAAHHHH! I could go on and on...but I wont.
I'm just sick. I'm angry at myself for being jealous of him. I know I don't have any right to be. I'm sure there are many who will think me petty or say I'm being a whiny bitch, and I'm sure some will judge me for even putting these feeling out there. I'm also sure that some will think I'm a twit for being so negative, because at least he DOES participate with them. I KNOW. I can logically see all sides.
It just stinks being in competition with such an unworthy competitor. I can't/wont win because I can't do/be the 'fun guy'. I refuse to take part in fooling my kids into thinking that the whole world revolves around them and what they want, or think they are entitled to (even though technically my personal world DOES revole around them). I CHOOSE to be the 'mundane' parent because THAT is life!
The kicker is that the children are not mature or 'worldly' enough to see the bigger picture and are easily swayed by a false happiness. They tend to put people on a pedestal based on silly whims and sparkly things. My concern is that the person who is 'fooling' (unintentionally, I think) them also has just about everyone in his life fooled...and I've yet to see his "true" side come to light for the world to see.
I'm jealous....I'm the "Ugly Green Monster"....and it pisses me off. I want to be better than that....I thought I was....
I just LOVE them. I don't want to lose them, even for a moment. It appears as though I don't have much of a choice though so maybe it's time to reconcile myself with THAT and just go with the flow.
Anyone have an extra life preserver?
I'm not jealous of those who have more money than I. I'm not jealous of women who are better looking than me. I'm not jealous of my Husband finding other women attractive. I'm not jealous over silly, petty things....or at least I didn't think I was.
I'm jealous of my ex being with our children.
I know, I know....he has a RIGHT to have a relationship with his progeny. I KNOW THIS! He deserves to foster a relationship with the kids ~ they are half him too. In fact, I would never do anything to deny him access to them because I KNOW they need to be with their father. It's just....*sigh*....
He is the "fun guy". His time with them is so limited that every moment he spends with them is spectacular. From seeing every movie possible to buying the best clothes/books/toys, to taking the most amazing Disney/Sea World/Universal Studios, etc. vacations, EVERYTHING he does with them is just SO big and SO fun that I fear the kids will want THAT instead of me.
Our life at home is typical. It's mundane. We have a routine, homework, chores, getting along....we have rules about obedience and consequences, respect, treating each other the way we want to be treated. Day in and day out, things are pretty much the same. I'm pretty strict and expect certain behavior. I'm insistent on getting homework done in a timely manner, and then Ian and I take another 30 to 60 minutes to do some 'extra' work with Hooked on Phonics because he NEEDS the extra help. Ian doesn't necessarily like the extra work, but he struggles enough without it. Ciera is prepubescent and sometimes the 'attitude' rears it's head. I'm very quick to deal with the issues surrounding that, letting her know that while it's ok to have whatever feelings she does, it's NOT ok to be a twit. I don't let the kids get away with ANYTHING. I have strict bedtime rules, because I believe that children NEED to get sleep in order to grow and function properly. All of this and more are things that are just normal, boring parts of our life. Things that the kids don't necessarily like, but they do them nonetheless.
On the other hand, when they are with their father, they get 'stuff'. They go out and do things all the time. They stay up until all hours, and drink soda and play video games. They ask, and he gets it for them. He randomly shows up at school and sports functions, swoops in like a "hero" and appears to be this doting and involved parent ~ and EVERYONE gives him credit for it!
Example:
Yesterday was Ian's Valentine's party at school. I knew that his father was picking him up for the weekend. Well, I find out after the fact that he actually went to the school, sat with Ian's class, watched a movie with them all, giggled and played with Ian's classmates, and had a talk with Ian's teacher ~ asked her how Ian was doing with his school work, was he a good boy, did he "need a knuckle sandwich"..all good things (and the teacher replied that he was doing wonderful, completed his assignments, and was steadily improving, etc.). The problem I have is that he came in acting like he is so involved, with his charming personality and big grin, when the ONLY reason Ian is doing so well is because of ME. He is constantly taking credit for the amazing things our kids are accomplishing when he has NOTHING to do with them accomplishing them!
He does this ALL the time. He shows up just in the nick of time to be a part of all the 'good' stuff. He is a frikkin' HERO to the kids ~ and all he does is participate in the easy, fun parts of life!
I KNOW this sounds SO petty and ridiculous. I mean, c'mon...give the guy a break. He's out there 'serving' the country and being a part of the kids lives as he can.
Wait.
I take that back.
Because really, he is a part of their lives when it's convenient for him. When it doesn't interfere with going to a football game or getting laid. Only they don't know this...and I can't tell them. They don't know that he payed himself back for visiting with them by taking it out of their child support. YES! He did that!
I get told all the time that, "They are smart. They'll see the bigger picture. They will know who is REALLY investing in their lives. They'll see him for who he really is....", but I don't buy it. I've already been told by Ciera (in a VERY innocent way) that if her father didn't have a revolving door of roommates and girlfriends, she would want to live with him. *HEARTBREAK*
He doesn't even wash their clothes when he has them - his mother does! He doesn't cut fingernails or toenails. He doesn't trim their hair in hairstyles THEY choose (the one time he got Ian a haircut, it was a mowhawk and Ian was mortified and hated it...his father made him get one anyway...Ian asked me to cut it as soon as he walked in the door.). He doesn't take them to the Dr. when they get sick - both of them have come home before, clearly stricken with pinkeye, or coughing their brains out and he does nothing. Ciera suffers from eczema, plaque psoriasis, and chronic hives (which is exacerbated every time she spends time with him). Her poor hands peel like crazy. Her father told her (not ME) that she needed to see a Dermatologist~ but did HE take her to see one? No. I am the one who slathers her with creams to make sure her poor skin stays supple and unirritated. He doesn't even comb Ciera's hair.
AAAAHHHH! I could go on and on...but I wont.
I'm just sick. I'm angry at myself for being jealous of him. I know I don't have any right to be. I'm sure there are many who will think me petty or say I'm being a whiny bitch, and I'm sure some will judge me for even putting these feeling out there. I'm also sure that some will think I'm a twit for being so negative, because at least he DOES participate with them. I KNOW. I can logically see all sides.
It just stinks being in competition with such an unworthy competitor. I can't/wont win because I can't do/be the 'fun guy'. I refuse to take part in fooling my kids into thinking that the whole world revolves around them and what they want, or think they are entitled to (even though technically my personal world DOES revole around them). I CHOOSE to be the 'mundane' parent because THAT is life!
The kicker is that the children are not mature or 'worldly' enough to see the bigger picture and are easily swayed by a false happiness. They tend to put people on a pedestal based on silly whims and sparkly things. My concern is that the person who is 'fooling' (unintentionally, I think) them also has just about everyone in his life fooled...and I've yet to see his "true" side come to light for the world to see.
I'm jealous....I'm the "Ugly Green Monster"....and it pisses me off. I want to be better than that....I thought I was....
I just LOVE them. I don't want to lose them, even for a moment. It appears as though I don't have much of a choice though so maybe it's time to reconcile myself with THAT and just go with the flow.
Anyone have an extra life preserver?
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