Daddy issues.
How many of us have them?
I know I do...and even at 35 years of age I'm not sure how to deal with how they affect me.
I've been ostracized and disowned repeatedly since I was about 12 years old, by my father. (step-father, but the only one I've ever known or loved)
Whether it's because I was grounded for months for some minor infraction and made to sit in my room alone with only a bible for company, while being told I was forbidden to converse with my siblings (and they were not to talk to me either). Or when I was told to pack my "shit" and leave because I wasn't being a submissive daughter (at 19 years old!). Or when my (ex)husband was deployed and I was pregnant with our first child and was told I need to go live my life and leave 'his' family alone because I wouldn't get a divorce or anullment while my husband was deployed (and then 'dad' proceeded to call my in-laws and tell them to not take me in so I'd have to come back 'home' and apologize for not honoring my father),the hurt is still the same.
I don't know how many times I've just been chugging along in life only to be blindsided by being 'kicked out' without even knowing why. To add insult to injury, it then becomes MY fault that my father is hurting. He is SO heartbroken and weeps over how he is mistreated and not honored by me. He tags pictures of me that others post, like he's some doting father, and tells other people that I'm divisive and usurping him ~ and people I love and trust (and who I would think KNOW ME) coddle him and give him thier sympathies. "Poor guy....such an ungrateful daughter..."
Meanwhile, I have NO IDEA what I even did to warrant being dissmissed. I have some telling me I should just call, extend an olive branch and do what I can to make it better ~ but when does that stop being MY responsibility? Why is it always me who has to apologize or grovel and beg for acceptance? At what point does 'being the better person' become 'BE A DOORMAT'?
The other option people like to give is "Just let him go. Don't even think about him anymore. Don't waste your time, etc." It's just not that simple. It's not in ME to write off someone that I've loved and wept over, and who raised me since before I can remember, even knowing that he physically and emotionally hurt me repeatedly and has yet to take any of the responsibility. The ostracizing is still going on. I'm still being viewed as the 'bad' or 'difficult' one in a situation I had no part in making. I've gone over things so many times, to see what I could have said or done differently, and I still can't see how any of the burden should be on me to make things better.
And yet, I hurt. A lot. I have no relationship with my mother while my sisters are her best friends. Of course my sisters have never been treated like this, nor have they endured the years of physical and mental harm inflicted so they can't figure out why I won't...no, scratch that, CAN'T just pick up the phone. So now, I'm an outsider with them as well.
According to him, I am a usurper, a divider, someone who purposes to bring 'drama' ~ I am masculine and cold hearted, my balls are too big, I'm not submissive enough...
There really isn't an answer to be had for any of my questions, and nobody can rightly tell me how to deal with this situation because there are no pat answers.
There's a campfire and chairs are surrounding it, filled with my family members...and there is no seat for me....and nobody will move over and let me sit on the ground unless I kiss the kings ring ~ and I refuse to do that anymore....so I guess it really IS my fault after all.
