Why even talk?

"I have no desire to ever see another naked woman again."

It's not true...there isn't a heterosexual man alive who isn't enamored of the female form. So unnecessary to say such things ~ and what a way to create hurt and insecurity when it's not actually followed through with.

"I don't watch porn, I have you."

What?! Riiiiight. Everyone watchs porn. Why hide it? Why LIE about it?

"You're the only woman I'm sexually attracted to."

Mmmm-hmmm...and I'm the 20 year old, size 2 with perky tits and no stretch marks or cellulite you've been fapping to, right?

False words said by men who don't want to be lumped together.
"I'm not like other men!" Yeah, ok.

I have no words to say in reply to these ~ but I trust no man. They are all self serving and will say anything they believe a woman wants to hear in order to get her to give him what he wants.

It's no wonder so many women are disenfranchised.

If you've heard these words, I want you to realize you're being lied to and that it's likely justified because it's hard to face the reality that you, woman, are just another series of holes for a man who wants his cak amd to eat it too.

Sucks.

Cloak of Invisibility

I wear one. I don't know where I got it from, but I have one and I can't seem to shrug it off.

As far back as I can remember, I've not been seen. Not been heard. Always somewhere in the background ~ with no needs to speak of.

I was the child who was not 'special'. I wasn't the dark one, I wasn't the quiet one, I wasn't the baby. I was just there, doing chores and trying to be good, hoping to be noticed one day...to be freed...to have the cloak removed. Nobody wanted to play with me.

I was the adolescent who had no friends ~ who dated no one. No boys asked after me. I went to no dances. I had no sleep overs. Nobody called. I have no memories or pictures of ball games or parties...I had my books. But they didn't see me either.

I was the big sister who was a 'lard ass' ~ who embarrassed her siblings by her public appearances. The UGLY sister. The masculine looking one. The only one with a name as unfeminine as testicles. In a group of my sisters, nobody noticed I was standing there. Nobody said words to me or flirted. Nobody even looked my way. I was just there...invisible.

I was the new mom who had to do it alone. No mother to hold my hand when I pushed. Nobody to clean my home while I recovered. Nobody to show me how to breastfeed or how to bathe my new babies. I got to figure that stuff out on my own ~ and nobody saw it but my babies...but they don't remember. All of that time is hidden somewhere under the veil...

I was the wife that had no opinions. The one who was supposed to stand by quietly and just do my job. I wasn't heard or seen the many times I cried of loneliness.I wasn't heard when I begged for the lies to stop...my tears weren't seen as I sat and heard about what other bodies looked and felt like...nobody noticed my broken heart when my life fell apart. Sometimes, that cloak almost smothered me...it still feels tight at my neck at times.

I'm the ex wife and mother who isn't seen. Nobody wants me around. Nobody cares what I've done. My children have raised themselves. My cards, letters, and gifts are not seen. No amount of niceness, acceptance, or forbearance matters because I don't exist. I'm the mom who wasn't. The ex wife who isn't. Invisible difficulty...

I have tried to lose that cloak. Every once in a while, when I smile in a room full of people, someone catches a glimmer and sees me...but once I am no longer standing there, it's like I never was.

Here I sit. Invisible. I have no heart to speak of. I have no emotions. I have no tears or moments of joy. I have no partners. I have no friends. I have to ask if my food tastes good. I have to ask if the house is clean enough. I have to ask if anyone likes anything I do...because nobody just tells me. Nobody is concerned about my insides or outsides. Nobody notices when I'm not there...probably because to them, I'm never there. They can't see me anyway.

This planet...it sucks. If there is a God, he doesn't notice me either...so I've decided not to notice him.

I think I'll be buried in this cloak. It's warm. It's my only comfort. I've had it since birth ~ I think it chose me.

Melancholia

I often stop and think about the implausible.
I think about the past.
Past memories.
Past relationships.
Past choices.


I think about where those choices branched out and created a different universe where a totally different life was being lived by an alternate *ME*.


I often wonder if there is a *ME* who was not divorced, who's kids did not have to be shuffled between homes, who's ex-partner still had his career.


I wonder what that *ME* is doing for work, or if she went back to school. I wonder if she feels good about her appearance and her home. I wonder if she's throwing pottery and painting pictures. I wonder what her kitchen looks like. I wonder where she and her husband went for their 15th Wedding Anniversary. I wonder if her husband grew into the person she needed him to be. I wonder if she was able to grow beyond her hurts and let him just BE who he promised to be once he was done sewing his oats... and if she and he were able to let the past be left where it is...long gone and not worth revisiting.


If she exists, I hope she's happy.I hope she and her husband have grown together and are satisfied in the deepest possible ways.


The *ME* that 'is' right now....I'm appreciative of everything I have ~ I still sometimes think about the could-have-beens, though ~ and I hurt because in this life, there is no rewind button. There is no magic eraser to get rid of the scuffs and stains ~ the residue always remains. There is no real way to fix mistakes or mend the un-mendable wounds.


There is only TODAY and each moment ~ there is only hindsight, which can keep us burdened or set us free. I want to be free. I want to stop being angry with the younger *US* who were impetuous, neglectful, and self-centered.
I want to just LIVE in my NOW. I want to forget...to be oblivious...

If there is an alternate *ME* somewhere out there, she has one less child than I do. One less set of eyes to gaze into, one less set of hands to hold, one less life to mold and cherish...one less heartache to have to let go of...


I hope the she that is me in another time and place has found Truth and happiness....I'm working on finding mine, here and now.

not enough

Sometimes, I just feel like my heart is breaking.

I work SO HARD to try to have a peaceful family where everyone feels important and valued. I stress speaking to each other with kindness and consideration, treating people the way we'd like to be treated, and not reacting in anger. I try to be an example of serving those we love, and showing appreciation when we are served....and....I think I'm just failing all around.

The person who is supposed to be my partner, is angry and disenfranchised due to his experiences in this blended family.
He refuses to defer to any of my experience on childrearing (or even relating to kids), instead he's argumentative, his words are scathing, and his outlook is almost always tinged with disdain for whatever is going on. He's not interested in investing in his relationships with the kids ~ even his own. Oh, he's not outwardly mean, but he finds things to nitpick and complain about, and I often end up feeling like I have to pull him aside and tell him to back off.

I've tried for 5 years now, to keep any animosity between me and the ex between us ~ and the kids are pretty well adjusted because of it...but sometimes, there's nothing I can do when I hear my partner say things like, "this weekend you get to be with your *fun dad*", or "it's ok, we all know I don't matter around here anyway", or "oh, that's right...I'm NOT the parent".
I freakin' want to pull my hair out!
He doesn't even have to deal with the ex! I do ~ and I don't even verbalize that stuff, especially NOT around the kids! I run ALL communications and interference, I'm the one who makes the concessions/compromises, I'm the one who stresses out because if I accomodate ex, then it pisses my partner off....if I *ever* accomodate my partner/*our family*, ex is be pissed.

I just feel defeated. I can't win. No matter who I try to make happy, nobody is EVER happy (except the kids...they just get to have a great, oblivious relationship with me and their father...lucky them).

And no matter what I do, I'm STILL seen as the enemy to ex and his girlfriend somehow. I purpose to be kind, to send pictures and texts, to be fair and inclusive ~ and what I get in return is asked a bunch of questions and when I reply with honesty and sincerity, I'm IGNORED, or demonized to other people...people who don't know a thing about me, are not at all aquainted with the situation other than what they're told by *them*...and these people think I'm some horrible person who is impossible to work with (and YES, I care what people think!).

Even in the "private forum" I use to help me wrangle the harder, more emotional aspects of this *family*....I make posts or ask questions or air grievances in the hopes of getting some perspective, so I can let stuff go and just do what I have to do ~ but that is feeling unsafe as of late.
I know ex's girlfriend is in the forums (and she has every right to be), and I know she reads what I write, but she's stopped responding entirely. I just feel like I'm being spied on and my words are being twisted and taken out of context and there's nothing I can do, short of leaving ALL support groups (and letting the girlfriend have all the support...since she apparently needs it even though neither I nor the kids have done anything to her). I feel completely exposed and scrutinized ~ with no feedback, no communication, no 'relationship'.

I'm trying to not be a victim (HARD PART!!!), I'm taking responsibility for my own negative actions, I'm trying to help us all have positive relationships, but the reality is when the shit hits the fan, mama can't 'step back'. I can't take a break or focus my energy on other things.
I have no choice.
I just have to grin and bear it all or else I'm controlling, manipulative, undermining, and any other adjective you can use to describe a BITCH. And no matter what I do, or whom I'm dealing with, I'm damned either way. I just feel alone and like I have to walk on eggshells. And god forbid I say anything negative to anyone about how their behaviors or actions are affecting me.

To top it all off, when I express how hard some of this stuff is, I'm totally marginalized and invalidated. I'm just 'mom'...I can't possibly be dealing with any stressors ~ that's reserved only for stepmoms who ALWAYS have it worse, even when they hardly know or deal with the kids at all.

Hell, I can't even give a 100% honest opinion half the time because I'm attacked for just thinking how I think. I don't feel I attack other people personally, I stick to whatever issues I might have with action or unhealthy behavior patterns (as this is what these groups are for)...I try to handle folks the way I'd like to be handled, but it's often misinterpreted or outright disregarded.

There are a few sweet ladies out there who can see me for 'me', but they aren't involved with me in real life. I just....I feel completely defeated. Trashed. Ridiculed and judged.

I feel alone...and unimportant. Heartbroken.

sometimes it just hurts...

Some days are just like this....*sigh*

too many failures, too often not heard or considered,lonely, stuck, losing, hurting....confused...

if former lives exist, I must have messed up bad....

if it's true that we teach people how to treat us, then how come nobody is learning?

guess I'll go clean up after everyone...again....seems to be the only thing I'm really good at.

bothered

So, I'm going to type out some things that bother me ~ I figure this is a safe place since nobody reads this. However, I need to get this stuff off my chest...I feel like I want to punch a wall or something.

It bothers me that in 2 1/2 year of living here, I can count on ONE HAND how many times someone besides me, has picked up a broom to sweep the floors. They've only been mopped twice by my mother-in-law since I've lived here....I sweep them twice a week (and Lysol/mop them every Friday)because if I didn't, the floors get disgusting. These GROSS dogs live here that shed constantly, their hair gets into EVERYTHING, the Men walk through the house with their dirty shoes (hey, so do the kids, come to think of it) and leave literally PILES of sand on the floor....and nobody bothers to fucking sweep! Apparently "stay-at-home-mom" means clean up after 3 other adults, on top of the kids. Seriously...

I wake up everyday to a sink full of other people's dishes. And a stove covered in grease and egg bits, salt and grits...and a microwave SWIMMING in bacon grease! OMG!! I clean that sucker every fucking day, and the next morning, there is a grease dripping microwave plate that I can't even use without washing! They all will use the damn microwave like that too! GROSSES ME OUT!

'They' (the other adults who live in this house besides me) leave the juice container out on the counter. WHO LIKES WARM JUICE?! How freakin' hard is it to literally turn a 180 and put the juice back in the fridge?! You don't even have to WALK to do it!

My mother-in law ~ she walks into the house after I've just spent half the day cleaning, and she picks up a washcloths and wipes a CLEAN FUCKING COUNTER! It's CLEAN! DISINFECTED, even! She doesn't wash any tables, not even the ones she sits at to eat, but she'll wipe a damn clean counter, right in front of me, like I missed something?!

Why are women willing to settle for being with a man who wants no more kids, when clearly they are yearning for some?! OMG, does this ever bother me! Especially because I can't see anywhere that he has sacrificed a damn thing for the woman...nothing. She's doing it ALL ~ and in the end, she's still not going to have any kids to call her own. I can't see how any woman will ever get over being jealous nor how she'd ever be able to stop coveting kids that aren't hers ~ women like that give up more than I would be willing to give up, for a guy like that.

It bothers me that someone is jealous of the time I spend with MY OWN DAMN KIDS. I'm not even sure what to say or do about it. Nobody should be jealous of a good mom for doing her job. Nobody should be consumed with thinking about my kids as much as I do, or worrying about attending their appts. or first days of school. It *feels* like overstepping, even though I know the intent is to NOT overstep. I guess it just bothers me that at this stage of the game, anyone would feel like they had a 'place' to be part of those things. THIS WHOLE SITUATION BOTHERS ME!! WHY CAN'T IT BE EASIER?! Why do I even feel bothered when I already KNOW who's kids they are?! I don't feel insecure. I don't feel like I've done anything to warrant the kids not wanting to be here ~ so WHY does it bother me that soeone else wants to be all up in my 'stuff'? It bothers me that I have no answers....

and OMG, if I hear one more time about how hard it is for ex to pay his bills, and then hear about seasons passes to places, and eating out, and planning cruises with the kids....I'm going to EXPLODE! The fucking dude can't/WON'T do right by his kids because they live with me, but he can play like he's "rescue/vacation dad"?! How is that RIGHT?! I don't understand how any woman can be ok with him NOT properly financially supporting his kids FIRST. The kids were there before her. He should be making sacrifices for his kids (you know, LIKE THEIR MOM DOES), not taking away from them to make his own life easier, while he also has another income to live off of. That is just wrong. Dude used to work 2-3 EXTRA jobs to make money when we were married...but now, he's fine with his ONE crappy, part-time, almsot minimum wage job?! Nice.

Oh, and if you write to me, asking a bunch of questions about your concerns, and I write back answering everything honestly, openly, and VULNERABLY, please have the decency to WRITE BACK! You wonder why I think there is 'something going on'? THAT'S WHY!! It feels like you fish for information and then leave me hanging. WTF?! What am I supposed to think when I tell you I'm concerned over this and that (like you asked) and then get NOTHING to either confirm or deny that what I fear most is right around the corner.

I'm bothered that no matter how much I do for anyone, it still never seems to be enough. I can't 'give' enough as a mom, I can't seem to 'share' enough without still garnering some sort of resentment from someone. It's TIRING that no matter what I do, it will never be enough.

It bothers me that my Husband tells me how to take care of the damn kids. Uhhhh, pretty fucking sure I've been doing it, WITHOUT ANYONE'S HELP, for almost 13 years now, and the kids are healthy and thriving and pretty well rounded. I DON'T NEED TO BE FUCKING TOLD WHO TO WATCH, OR HOW TO WATCH THEM, OR HOW TO CARE FOR THEM, OR ANYTHING! I already know how to do it!! And I'm fucking GOOD at it! When do I get credit for that, huh? WHEN?!

It bothers me that I'm good enough to do the brunt of the work, but not good enough to take most of the credit.

It bothers me that my daughter feels like she can't talk to her father because he dismisses her, or manipulates her into agreeing with him (which she does to get him to not be mad at her anymore...great...now he's shown her how to manipulate too), but when I've done what ANY GOOD MOM would do and have tried to stand in the gap for her, I get 'dismissed' too.

It bothers me that certain 'friends' have made it clear that I'm not in the "inner circle". It's like we're back in HS again...and it sucks. LOVE reading one friend's blog where she states that she only invests in one friendship that's long distance...and it's CLEARLY not mine. I mean, why the FUCK have I been trying to be friends with these people then?! If I'm not worthy of getting back some 'investment', then what's the point?

Fuck me! I'm sick and fucking tired of being between an ex who has slandered and defamed my character SO BAD, and who has done the same to my Husband, and my Husband, who is so pissed every time I do anything remotely nice (like, COOPERATING) for the ex. I can't fucking win for losing!

It pisses me off to no end that ex can slide through life with people just falling into his path who are willing to pick up all of his slack. He's never had to suffer for his poor choices (sure, he lost his job for fucking around, but he probably could have saved it if he hadn't lied trying to). He's never had to make amends or fix what he's broken. Someone ALWAYS comes along and makes his life easy and cushy for him.

It bothers me that every part of his defense for his 'fuck up' was one lie after another. He says I did things I didn't do (like moving the kids in with my parents who I had NO contact with and lived across the country). He said I moved the kids without his knowledge, and that I took him to court for CS (his 'issue' happened in Sept. and I ddn't even file for CS until the Feb. afterwards!) and because of all of MY actions (90% of which never occured), he couldn't keep his dick in his pants with an enlisted chick. IT FUCKING BOTHERS ME THAT HE GETS AWAY WITH LYING AND NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIMSELF SO MUCH!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

It bothers me that some of this stuff bothers me...for some reason I feel like I should be above this crap at this point in my life.

oh bother.

Scars may fade...

...but they never completely disappear.

I think I experienced a 'flashback' this morning. It was different than just a memory in that I had a physical reaction that was almost beyond my control.

I was in the shower, washing my hair, when I suddenly had a very vivid memory : I was 12 years old and sitting on the floor of the living room. I looked to my right, towards my parents bedroom. The french doors were closed. I remember hearing the first CRACK of the 2x4 across my brother's butt ~ and hearing him cry out. Each time he was hit, he cried out more until you could hardly hear him because his breath was lost...and then you could tell that he was hit in a different place because the cry from his pain was renewed and loud again. 23 times he was hit. I counted. I counted while I sat there with balled fists. I wanted to kick and punch the doors open and SCREAM at my father, "STOP! I HATEYOUIHATEYOU!!!!" but I just sat there, with tears in my eyes. I knew if I tried to go in those doors, I'd be hit too.

There I was, in the shower, powerfully, physically reliving that moment. I was standing there, eyes clenched shut as tight as possible, teeth gritting, fists curled, grunting and moaning through my locked jaw....water just running over me. I opened my eyes and tears poured down my cheeks ~ hot tears that woke me from my stupor.

What the heck just happened?! Whaaa....?

I have never had a physical response to a memory like that. I mean, iv'e cried about them before, but I felt like I WAS THERE. I wanted to punch in the doors ~ I thought I was going to! I thought I could vindicate myself and who cares if he hits me too! I should have protected my brother more!

For the life of me, I can't understand how a person can HIT his step-children with belts and boards and fists and words, too many times to count, and not feel remorse for it. And I can't understand how family members who know the slightest bit of what we endured can idloize this man. I can't understand how I'm on the 'outside' with my aunts and cousins and siblings for simply being DONE.

I'm more of a black sheep than I originally thought....apparently he showed up at my brother's doorstep today ~ the brother that he beat too many times ~ all the way across the country, to visit with my siblings and thier families ~ further proof of how little I actually mean to my parents.

Strange coincidence? I don't know...but if this is anything like PTSD, I don't know what to think....and I don't want it.