Sometimes, I just feel like my heart is breaking.
I work SO HARD to try to have a peaceful family where everyone feels important and valued. I stress speaking to each other with kindness and consideration, treating people the way we'd like to be treated, and not reacting in anger. I try to be an example of serving those we love, and showing appreciation when we are served....and....I think I'm just failing all around.
The person who is supposed to be my partner, is angry and disenfranchised due to his experiences in this blended family.
He refuses to defer to any of my experience on childrearing (or even relating to kids), instead he's argumentative, his words are scathing, and his outlook is almost always tinged with disdain for whatever is going on. He's not interested in investing in his relationships with the kids ~ even his own. Oh, he's not outwardly mean, but he finds things to nitpick and complain about, and I often end up feeling like I have to pull him aside and tell him to back off.
I've tried for 5 years now, to keep any animosity between me and the ex between us ~ and the kids are pretty well adjusted because of it...but sometimes, there's nothing I can do when I hear my partner say things like, "this weekend you get to be with your *fun dad*", or "it's ok, we all know I don't matter around here anyway", or "oh, that's right...I'm NOT the parent".
I freakin' want to pull my hair out!
He doesn't even have to deal with the ex! I do ~ and I don't even verbalize that stuff, especially NOT around the kids! I run ALL communications and interference, I'm the one who makes the concessions/compromises, I'm the one who stresses out because if I accomodate ex, then it pisses my partner off....if I *ever* accomodate my partner/*our family*, ex is be pissed.
I just feel defeated. I can't win. No matter who I try to make happy, nobody is EVER happy (except the kids...they just get to have a great, oblivious relationship with me and their father...lucky them).
And no matter what I do, I'm STILL seen as the enemy to ex and his girlfriend somehow. I purpose to be kind, to send pictures and texts, to be fair and inclusive ~ and what I get in return is asked a bunch of questions and when I reply with honesty and sincerity, I'm IGNORED, or demonized to other people...people who don't know a thing about me, are not at all aquainted with the situation other than what they're told by *them*...and these people think I'm some horrible person who is impossible to work with (and YES, I care what people think!).
Even in the "private forum" I use to help me wrangle the harder, more emotional aspects of this *family*....I make posts or ask questions or air grievances in the hopes of getting some perspective, so I can let stuff go and just do what I have to do ~ but that is feeling unsafe as of late.
I know ex's girlfriend is in the forums (and she has every right to be), and I know she reads what I write, but she's stopped responding entirely. I just feel like I'm being spied on and my words are being twisted and taken out of context and there's nothing I can do, short of leaving ALL support groups (and letting the girlfriend have all the support...since she apparently needs it even though neither I nor the kids have done anything to her). I feel completely exposed and scrutinized ~ with no feedback, no communication, no 'relationship'.
I'm trying to not be a victim (HARD PART!!!), I'm taking responsibility for my own negative actions, I'm trying to help us all have positive relationships, but the reality is when the shit hits the fan, mama can't 'step back'. I can't take a break or focus my energy on other things.
I have no choice.
I just have to grin and bear it all or else I'm controlling, manipulative, undermining, and any other adjective you can use to describe a BITCH. And no matter what I do, or whom I'm dealing with, I'm damned either way. I just feel alone and like I have to walk on eggshells. And god forbid I say anything negative to anyone about how their behaviors or actions are affecting me.
To top it all off, when I express how hard some of this stuff is, I'm totally marginalized and invalidated. I'm just 'mom'...I can't possibly be dealing with any stressors ~ that's reserved only for stepmoms who ALWAYS have it worse, even when they hardly know or deal with the kids at all.
Hell, I can't even give a 100% honest opinion half the time because I'm attacked for just thinking how I think. I don't feel I attack other people personally, I stick to whatever issues I might have with action or unhealthy behavior patterns (as this is what these groups are for)...I try to handle folks the way I'd like to be handled, but it's often misinterpreted or outright disregarded.
There are a few sweet ladies out there who can see me for 'me', but they aren't involved with me in real life. I just....I feel completely defeated. Trashed. Ridiculed and judged.
I feel alone...and unimportant. Heartbroken.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
sometimes it just hurts...
Some days are just like this....*sigh*
too many failures, too often not heard or considered,lonely, stuck, losing, hurting....confused...
if former lives exist, I must have messed up bad....
if it's true that we teach people how to treat us, then how come nobody is learning?
guess I'll go clean up after everyone...again....seems to be the only thing I'm really good at.
too many failures, too often not heard or considered,lonely, stuck, losing, hurting....confused...
if former lives exist, I must have messed up bad....
if it's true that we teach people how to treat us, then how come nobody is learning?
guess I'll go clean up after everyone...again....seems to be the only thing I'm really good at.
Friday, July 29, 2011
bothered
So, I'm going to type out some things that bother me ~ I figure this is a safe place since nobody reads this. However, I need to get this stuff off my chest...I feel like I want to punch a wall or something.
It bothers me that in 2 1/2 year of living here, I can count on ONE HAND how many times someone besides me, has picked up a broom to sweep the floors. They've only been mopped twice by my mother-in-law since I've lived here....I sweep them twice a week (and Lysol/mop them every Friday)because if I didn't, the floors get disgusting. These GROSS dogs live here that shed constantly, their hair gets into EVERYTHING, the Men walk through the house with their dirty shoes (hey, so do the kids, come to think of it) and leave literally PILES of sand on the floor....and nobody bothers to fucking sweep! Apparently "stay-at-home-mom" means clean up after 3 other adults, on top of the kids. Seriously...
I wake up everyday to a sink full of other people's dishes. And a stove covered in grease and egg bits, salt and grits...and a microwave SWIMMING in bacon grease! OMG!! I clean that sucker every fucking day, and the next morning, there is a grease dripping microwave plate that I can't even use without washing! They all will use the damn microwave like that too! GROSSES ME OUT!
'They' (the other adults who live in this house besides me) leave the juice container out on the counter. WHO LIKES WARM JUICE?! How freakin' hard is it to literally turn a 180 and put the juice back in the fridge?! You don't even have to WALK to do it!
My mother-in law ~ she walks into the house after I've just spent half the day cleaning, and she picks up a washcloths and wipes a CLEAN FUCKING COUNTER! It's CLEAN! DISINFECTED, even! She doesn't wash any tables, not even the ones she sits at to eat, but she'll wipe a damn clean counter, right in front of me, like I missed something?!
Why are women willing to settle for being with a man who wants no more kids, when clearly they are yearning for some?! OMG, does this ever bother me! Especially because I can't see anywhere that he has sacrificed a damn thing for the woman...nothing. She's doing it ALL ~ and in the end, she's still not going to have any kids to call her own. I can't see how any woman will ever get over being jealous nor how she'd ever be able to stop coveting kids that aren't hers ~ women like that give up more than I would be willing to give up, for a guy like that.
It bothers me that someone is jealous of the time I spend with MY OWN DAMN KIDS. I'm not even sure what to say or do about it. Nobody should be jealous of a good mom for doing her job. Nobody should be consumed with thinking about my kids as much as I do, or worrying about attending their appts. or first days of school. It *feels* like overstepping, even though I know the intent is to NOT overstep. I guess it just bothers me that at this stage of the game, anyone would feel like they had a 'place' to be part of those things. THIS WHOLE SITUATION BOTHERS ME!! WHY CAN'T IT BE EASIER?! Why do I even feel bothered when I already KNOW who's kids they are?! I don't feel insecure. I don't feel like I've done anything to warrant the kids not wanting to be here ~ so WHY does it bother me that soeone else wants to be all up in my 'stuff'? It bothers me that I have no answers....
and OMG, if I hear one more time about how hard it is for ex to pay his bills, and then hear about seasons passes to places, and eating out, and planning cruises with the kids....I'm going to EXPLODE! The fucking dude can't/WON'T do right by his kids because they live with me, but he can play like he's "rescue/vacation dad"?! How is that RIGHT?! I don't understand how any woman can be ok with him NOT properly financially supporting his kids FIRST. The kids were there before her. He should be making sacrifices for his kids (you know, LIKE THEIR MOM DOES), not taking away from them to make his own life easier, while he also has another income to live off of. That is just wrong. Dude used to work 2-3 EXTRA jobs to make money when we were married...but now, he's fine with his ONE crappy, part-time, almsot minimum wage job?! Nice.
Oh, and if you write to me, asking a bunch of questions about your concerns, and I write back answering everything honestly, openly, and VULNERABLY, please have the decency to WRITE BACK! You wonder why I think there is 'something going on'? THAT'S WHY!! It feels like you fish for information and then leave me hanging. WTF?! What am I supposed to think when I tell you I'm concerned over this and that (like you asked) and then get NOTHING to either confirm or deny that what I fear most is right around the corner.
I'm bothered that no matter how much I do for anyone, it still never seems to be enough. I can't 'give' enough as a mom, I can't seem to 'share' enough without still garnering some sort of resentment from someone. It's TIRING that no matter what I do, it will never be enough.
It bothers me that my Husband tells me how to take care of the damn kids. Uhhhh, pretty fucking sure I've been doing it, WITHOUT ANYONE'S HELP, for almost 13 years now, and the kids are healthy and thriving and pretty well rounded. I DON'T NEED TO BE FUCKING TOLD WHO TO WATCH, OR HOW TO WATCH THEM, OR HOW TO CARE FOR THEM, OR ANYTHING! I already know how to do it!! And I'm fucking GOOD at it! When do I get credit for that, huh? WHEN?!
It bothers me that I'm good enough to do the brunt of the work, but not good enough to take most of the credit.
It bothers me that my daughter feels like she can't talk to her father because he dismisses her, or manipulates her into agreeing with him (which she does to get him to not be mad at her anymore...great...now he's shown her how to manipulate too), but when I've done what ANY GOOD MOM would do and have tried to stand in the gap for her, I get 'dismissed' too.
It bothers me that certain 'friends' have made it clear that I'm not in the "inner circle". It's like we're back in HS again...and it sucks. LOVE reading one friend's blog where she states that she only invests in one friendship that's long distance...and it's CLEARLY not mine. I mean, why the FUCK have I been trying to be friends with these people then?! If I'm not worthy of getting back some 'investment', then what's the point?
Fuck me! I'm sick and fucking tired of being between an ex who has slandered and defamed my character SO BAD, and who has done the same to my Husband, and my Husband, who is so pissed every time I do anything remotely nice (like, COOPERATING) for the ex. I can't fucking win for losing!
It pisses me off to no end that ex can slide through life with people just falling into his path who are willing to pick up all of his slack. He's never had to suffer for his poor choices (sure, he lost his job for fucking around, but he probably could have saved it if he hadn't lied trying to). He's never had to make amends or fix what he's broken. Someone ALWAYS comes along and makes his life easy and cushy for him.
It bothers me that every part of his defense for his 'fuck up' was one lie after another. He says I did things I didn't do (like moving the kids in with my parents who I had NO contact with and lived across the country). He said I moved the kids without his knowledge, and that I took him to court for CS (his 'issue' happened in Sept. and I ddn't even file for CS until the Feb. afterwards!) and because of all of MY actions (90% of which never occured), he couldn't keep his dick in his pants with an enlisted chick. IT FUCKING BOTHERS ME THAT HE GETS AWAY WITH LYING AND NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIMSELF SO MUCH!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!
It bothers me that some of this stuff bothers me...for some reason I feel like I should be above this crap at this point in my life.
oh bother.
It bothers me that in 2 1/2 year of living here, I can count on ONE HAND how many times someone besides me, has picked up a broom to sweep the floors. They've only been mopped twice by my mother-in-law since I've lived here....I sweep them twice a week (and Lysol/mop them every Friday)because if I didn't, the floors get disgusting. These GROSS dogs live here that shed constantly, their hair gets into EVERYTHING, the Men walk through the house with their dirty shoes (hey, so do the kids, come to think of it) and leave literally PILES of sand on the floor....and nobody bothers to fucking sweep! Apparently "stay-at-home-mom" means clean up after 3 other adults, on top of the kids. Seriously...
I wake up everyday to a sink full of other people's dishes. And a stove covered in grease and egg bits, salt and grits...and a microwave SWIMMING in bacon grease! OMG!! I clean that sucker every fucking day, and the next morning, there is a grease dripping microwave plate that I can't even use without washing! They all will use the damn microwave like that too! GROSSES ME OUT!
'They' (the other adults who live in this house besides me) leave the juice container out on the counter. WHO LIKES WARM JUICE?! How freakin' hard is it to literally turn a 180 and put the juice back in the fridge?! You don't even have to WALK to do it!
My mother-in law ~ she walks into the house after I've just spent half the day cleaning, and she picks up a washcloths and wipes a CLEAN FUCKING COUNTER! It's CLEAN! DISINFECTED, even! She doesn't wash any tables, not even the ones she sits at to eat, but she'll wipe a damn clean counter, right in front of me, like I missed something?!
Why are women willing to settle for being with a man who wants no more kids, when clearly they are yearning for some?! OMG, does this ever bother me! Especially because I can't see anywhere that he has sacrificed a damn thing for the woman...nothing. She's doing it ALL ~ and in the end, she's still not going to have any kids to call her own. I can't see how any woman will ever get over being jealous nor how she'd ever be able to stop coveting kids that aren't hers ~ women like that give up more than I would be willing to give up, for a guy like that.
It bothers me that someone is jealous of the time I spend with MY OWN DAMN KIDS. I'm not even sure what to say or do about it. Nobody should be jealous of a good mom for doing her job. Nobody should be consumed with thinking about my kids as much as I do, or worrying about attending their appts. or first days of school. It *feels* like overstepping, even though I know the intent is to NOT overstep. I guess it just bothers me that at this stage of the game, anyone would feel like they had a 'place' to be part of those things. THIS WHOLE SITUATION BOTHERS ME!! WHY CAN'T IT BE EASIER?! Why do I even feel bothered when I already KNOW who's kids they are?! I don't feel insecure. I don't feel like I've done anything to warrant the kids not wanting to be here ~ so WHY does it bother me that soeone else wants to be all up in my 'stuff'? It bothers me that I have no answers....
and OMG, if I hear one more time about how hard it is for ex to pay his bills, and then hear about seasons passes to places, and eating out, and planning cruises with the kids....I'm going to EXPLODE! The fucking dude can't/WON'T do right by his kids because they live with me, but he can play like he's "rescue/vacation dad"?! How is that RIGHT?! I don't understand how any woman can be ok with him NOT properly financially supporting his kids FIRST. The kids were there before her. He should be making sacrifices for his kids (you know, LIKE THEIR MOM DOES), not taking away from them to make his own life easier, while he also has another income to live off of. That is just wrong. Dude used to work 2-3 EXTRA jobs to make money when we were married...but now, he's fine with his ONE crappy, part-time, almsot minimum wage job?! Nice.
Oh, and if you write to me, asking a bunch of questions about your concerns, and I write back answering everything honestly, openly, and VULNERABLY, please have the decency to WRITE BACK! You wonder why I think there is 'something going on'? THAT'S WHY!! It feels like you fish for information and then leave me hanging. WTF?! What am I supposed to think when I tell you I'm concerned over this and that (like you asked) and then get NOTHING to either confirm or deny that what I fear most is right around the corner.
I'm bothered that no matter how much I do for anyone, it still never seems to be enough. I can't 'give' enough as a mom, I can't seem to 'share' enough without still garnering some sort of resentment from someone. It's TIRING that no matter what I do, it will never be enough.
It bothers me that my Husband tells me how to take care of the damn kids. Uhhhh, pretty fucking sure I've been doing it, WITHOUT ANYONE'S HELP, for almost 13 years now, and the kids are healthy and thriving and pretty well rounded. I DON'T NEED TO BE FUCKING TOLD WHO TO WATCH, OR HOW TO WATCH THEM, OR HOW TO CARE FOR THEM, OR ANYTHING! I already know how to do it!! And I'm fucking GOOD at it! When do I get credit for that, huh? WHEN?!
It bothers me that I'm good enough to do the brunt of the work, but not good enough to take most of the credit.
It bothers me that my daughter feels like she can't talk to her father because he dismisses her, or manipulates her into agreeing with him (which she does to get him to not be mad at her anymore...great...now he's shown her how to manipulate too), but when I've done what ANY GOOD MOM would do and have tried to stand in the gap for her, I get 'dismissed' too.
It bothers me that certain 'friends' have made it clear that I'm not in the "inner circle". It's like we're back in HS again...and it sucks. LOVE reading one friend's blog where she states that she only invests in one friendship that's long distance...and it's CLEARLY not mine. I mean, why the FUCK have I been trying to be friends with these people then?! If I'm not worthy of getting back some 'investment', then what's the point?
Fuck me! I'm sick and fucking tired of being between an ex who has slandered and defamed my character SO BAD, and who has done the same to my Husband, and my Husband, who is so pissed every time I do anything remotely nice (like, COOPERATING) for the ex. I can't fucking win for losing!
It pisses me off to no end that ex can slide through life with people just falling into his path who are willing to pick up all of his slack. He's never had to suffer for his poor choices (sure, he lost his job for fucking around, but he probably could have saved it if he hadn't lied trying to). He's never had to make amends or fix what he's broken. Someone ALWAYS comes along and makes his life easy and cushy for him.
It bothers me that every part of his defense for his 'fuck up' was one lie after another. He says I did things I didn't do (like moving the kids in with my parents who I had NO contact with and lived across the country). He said I moved the kids without his knowledge, and that I took him to court for CS (his 'issue' happened in Sept. and I ddn't even file for CS until the Feb. afterwards!) and because of all of MY actions (90% of which never occured), he couldn't keep his dick in his pants with an enlisted chick. IT FUCKING BOTHERS ME THAT HE GETS AWAY WITH LYING AND NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIMSELF SO MUCH!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!
It bothers me that some of this stuff bothers me...for some reason I feel like I should be above this crap at this point in my life.
oh bother.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Scars may fade...
...but they never completely disappear.
I think I experienced a 'flashback' this morning. It was different than just a memory in that I had a physical reaction that was almost beyond my control.
I was in the shower, washing my hair, when I suddenly had a very vivid memory : I was 12 years old and sitting on the floor of the living room. I looked to my right, towards my parents bedroom. The french doors were closed. I remember hearing the first CRACK of the 2x4 across my brother's butt ~ and hearing him cry out. Each time he was hit, he cried out more until you could hardly hear him because his breath was lost...and then you could tell that he was hit in a different place because the cry from his pain was renewed and loud again. 23 times he was hit. I counted. I counted while I sat there with balled fists. I wanted to kick and punch the doors open and SCREAM at my father, "STOP! I HATEYOUIHATEYOU!!!!" but I just sat there, with tears in my eyes. I knew if I tried to go in those doors, I'd be hit too.
There I was, in the shower, powerfully, physically reliving that moment. I was standing there, eyes clenched shut as tight as possible, teeth gritting, fists curled, grunting and moaning through my locked jaw....water just running over me. I opened my eyes and tears poured down my cheeks ~ hot tears that woke me from my stupor.
What the heck just happened?! Whaaa....?
I have never had a physical response to a memory like that. I mean, iv'e cried about them before, but I felt like I WAS THERE. I wanted to punch in the doors ~ I thought I was going to! I thought I could vindicate myself and who cares if he hits me too! I should have protected my brother more!
For the life of me, I can't understand how a person can HIT his step-children with belts and boards and fists and words, too many times to count, and not feel remorse for it. And I can't understand how family members who know the slightest bit of what we endured can idloize this man. I can't understand how I'm on the 'outside' with my aunts and cousins and siblings for simply being DONE.
I'm more of a black sheep than I originally thought....apparently he showed up at my brother's doorstep today ~ the brother that he beat too many times ~ all the way across the country, to visit with my siblings and thier families ~ further proof of how little I actually mean to my parents.
Strange coincidence? I don't know...but if this is anything like PTSD, I don't know what to think....and I don't want it.
I think I experienced a 'flashback' this morning. It was different than just a memory in that I had a physical reaction that was almost beyond my control.
I was in the shower, washing my hair, when I suddenly had a very vivid memory : I was 12 years old and sitting on the floor of the living room. I looked to my right, towards my parents bedroom. The french doors were closed. I remember hearing the first CRACK of the 2x4 across my brother's butt ~ and hearing him cry out. Each time he was hit, he cried out more until you could hardly hear him because his breath was lost...and then you could tell that he was hit in a different place because the cry from his pain was renewed and loud again. 23 times he was hit. I counted. I counted while I sat there with balled fists. I wanted to kick and punch the doors open and SCREAM at my father, "STOP! I HATEYOUIHATEYOU!!!!" but I just sat there, with tears in my eyes. I knew if I tried to go in those doors, I'd be hit too.
There I was, in the shower, powerfully, physically reliving that moment. I was standing there, eyes clenched shut as tight as possible, teeth gritting, fists curled, grunting and moaning through my locked jaw....water just running over me. I opened my eyes and tears poured down my cheeks ~ hot tears that woke me from my stupor.
What the heck just happened?! Whaaa....?
I have never had a physical response to a memory like that. I mean, iv'e cried about them before, but I felt like I WAS THERE. I wanted to punch in the doors ~ I thought I was going to! I thought I could vindicate myself and who cares if he hits me too! I should have protected my brother more!
For the life of me, I can't understand how a person can HIT his step-children with belts and boards and fists and words, too many times to count, and not feel remorse for it. And I can't understand how family members who know the slightest bit of what we endured can idloize this man. I can't understand how I'm on the 'outside' with my aunts and cousins and siblings for simply being DONE.
I'm more of a black sheep than I originally thought....apparently he showed up at my brother's doorstep today ~ the brother that he beat too many times ~ all the way across the country, to visit with my siblings and thier families ~ further proof of how little I actually mean to my parents.
Strange coincidence? I don't know...but if this is anything like PTSD, I don't know what to think....and I don't want it.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Belated Thankfulness ~ Thanksgiving 2006
Nov 27, 2006
Belated Thankfulness...but it's always good to be thankful
So, I've been thinking about the things I'm thankful for. I thought it would be nice to share a few and hopefully hear back from my friends about the things they are thankful for too. Maybe if we all share in the good things we can slightly alter the path of the planet....who knows ;-)
I am thankful for Ian and Ciera. Those two little people have changed my life in more ways I than I thought possible. They've taught me patience, the joy of living for someone other than myself, that I don't have all the answers (but that's ok) so I always want to learn more things so I can teach them. Without even knowing it they've shown me that I am capable of loving unconditionally, that even when I make mistakes dealing with them I am still the perfect mother for them....hmmmm.....
I am thankful for the past 9 years of my life. Without having experienced them I couldn't look forward to the next 9 years with such excitment. I've grown up, been hurt, become a mother, made my home 'homey', learned how NOT to communicate, hurt others, grown up some more, changed my outlook on life, and more or less figured out who I am. Thank you past....
I'm thankful for my childhood. It was rough and hurtful. It was abusive but there were moments of sweetness. When I think back and am distressed by the things that happened to me, I recongnize that all of those events (while they were the choices of other people who though little of my emotional welfare) we're molding me and bringing me to the end of myself so I could manifest something bigger. It's still hurts but it hasn't destroyed me. In fact, it probably brought me to this place of awareness much sooner than if I had lived an ideal little life. I'm eternally thankful for my pain because I was able to see who I should NOT be....I was able to look beyond the destroyer and see the beauty....and grasp what was hidden from me. It's mine now and it can't be taken from me again.
I'm thankful for my mistakes. While it's been hard to deal with them in the moment I realize that the mistakes that we make validate our right choices. What value would we place on utopia if we actually lived it? Choosing the wrong things and dealing with the consequences enabled me to be able to truly appreciate and treasure my next steps. I'm not sorry for my mistakes....I AM penitent for those I've hurt or affected by my selfishness and stupidity, but I am not sorry that I 'fell'....
I am thankful for the beauty outside my window. I look outside sometimes and cannot believe that people think that all of this came from nothing. How can you not look at a leaf of a bug and see the very image of God burned into it? The hand of a benevolent Creator is so visible, and here we sit not really paying attention and quietly doing all we can to make it all go away. My daughter, Ciera, LOVES the outdoors. She actually hugs trees!! NO KIDDING! She is one of the people who've gotten me out of my own head and into the open...she knows without a shadow a a doubt that there is LOVE in all of creation and I've seen her feed on it. I've learned to see every nuance, every little breeze as a complete expression of affection for me personally from Someone who also made sure that ever part of me was exactly where it needed to be. I'm thankful for my planet and the air that I breathe....and the people I share it with even though it seems that most of them are happily ignorant.
I'm thankful for the future. I don't know what it holds but I know that I control it! My choices and my responses to other people's choices will shape my path and take me....well, only God knows where.
I'm thankful for free will and rapid-fire synapses :-)
I'm thankful for the people who give without wondering what they'll get back.
I'm thankful for the people who only know how to take. It takes all of us to balance this crazy world out.
I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to be alive and cognizant. So thankful that every minute I live is another opportunity to change my forthcoming existence and possibly contribute to the happiness of someone I love. Thankful that I have two eyes to see, two ears to hear, skin that feels everything that it should and protects my insides, bones that are strong, extra melanin that spatters across my skin when the sun shines....thankful to be alive....and I WILL be thankful when I die. Whether there is life after this or not really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of today. What matters is that I live with a thankful and greatful heart and I close my eyes every night knowing that waking up the next day will be yet again another gift.
Happy Belated Thankfulness everybody. Actually, it's NOT late....it should be ALWAYS.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!
12:28 PM
Belated Thankfulness...but it's always good to be thankful
So, I've been thinking about the things I'm thankful for. I thought it would be nice to share a few and hopefully hear back from my friends about the things they are thankful for too. Maybe if we all share in the good things we can slightly alter the path of the planet....who knows ;-)
I am thankful for Ian and Ciera. Those two little people have changed my life in more ways I than I thought possible. They've taught me patience, the joy of living for someone other than myself, that I don't have all the answers (but that's ok) so I always want to learn more things so I can teach them. Without even knowing it they've shown me that I am capable of loving unconditionally, that even when I make mistakes dealing with them I am still the perfect mother for them....hmmmm.....
I am thankful for the past 9 years of my life. Without having experienced them I couldn't look forward to the next 9 years with such excitment. I've grown up, been hurt, become a mother, made my home 'homey', learned how NOT to communicate, hurt others, grown up some more, changed my outlook on life, and more or less figured out who I am. Thank you past....
I'm thankful for my childhood. It was rough and hurtful. It was abusive but there were moments of sweetness. When I think back and am distressed by the things that happened to me, I recongnize that all of those events (while they were the choices of other people who though little of my emotional welfare) we're molding me and bringing me to the end of myself so I could manifest something bigger. It's still hurts but it hasn't destroyed me. In fact, it probably brought me to this place of awareness much sooner than if I had lived an ideal little life. I'm eternally thankful for my pain because I was able to see who I should NOT be....I was able to look beyond the destroyer and see the beauty....and grasp what was hidden from me. It's mine now and it can't be taken from me again.
I'm thankful for my mistakes. While it's been hard to deal with them in the moment I realize that the mistakes that we make validate our right choices. What value would we place on utopia if we actually lived it? Choosing the wrong things and dealing with the consequences enabled me to be able to truly appreciate and treasure my next steps. I'm not sorry for my mistakes....I AM penitent for those I've hurt or affected by my selfishness and stupidity, but I am not sorry that I 'fell'....
I am thankful for the beauty outside my window. I look outside sometimes and cannot believe that people think that all of this came from nothing. How can you not look at a leaf of a bug and see the very image of God burned into it? The hand of a benevolent Creator is so visible, and here we sit not really paying attention and quietly doing all we can to make it all go away. My daughter, Ciera, LOVES the outdoors. She actually hugs trees!! NO KIDDING! She is one of the people who've gotten me out of my own head and into the open...she knows without a shadow a a doubt that there is LOVE in all of creation and I've seen her feed on it. I've learned to see every nuance, every little breeze as a complete expression of affection for me personally from Someone who also made sure that ever part of me was exactly where it needed to be. I'm thankful for my planet and the air that I breathe....and the people I share it with even though it seems that most of them are happily ignorant.
I'm thankful for the future. I don't know what it holds but I know that I control it! My choices and my responses to other people's choices will shape my path and take me....well, only God knows where.
I'm thankful for free will and rapid-fire synapses :-)
I'm thankful for the people who give without wondering what they'll get back.
I'm thankful for the people who only know how to take. It takes all of us to balance this crazy world out.
I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to be alive and cognizant. So thankful that every minute I live is another opportunity to change my forthcoming existence and possibly contribute to the happiness of someone I love. Thankful that I have two eyes to see, two ears to hear, skin that feels everything that it should and protects my insides, bones that are strong, extra melanin that spatters across my skin when the sun shines....thankful to be alive....and I WILL be thankful when I die. Whether there is life after this or not really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of today. What matters is that I live with a thankful and greatful heart and I close my eyes every night knowing that waking up the next day will be yet again another gift.
Happy Belated Thankfulness everybody. Actually, it's NOT late....it should be ALWAYS.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!
12:28 PM
Things that I love ~ circa 2006
Oct 4, 2006
The things that I love....
Current mood:thankful
Here are a few of my favorite things- the things that make me smile almost daily.
My son, Ian, coming into my room at 3am EVERY NIGHT, climbing into bed with me (in his spider man boxer briefs) and squishing his little body up against mine, making sure that I am holding his toes while he falls back to sleep.
Getting very close to my daughter Ciera's face and pretending to count her freckles. She has this adorable white blonde peach fuzz on her cheeks and she just sits there and lets me make little circles on her face with my fingertips.
Ian whispering in my ear, "Mom, you're the beth singer ever!"
Watching Ciera light up when I tell her she's done a good job....she loves edification....and I love to give it to her.
When both kids are in the other room watching a movie, they don't know that I can see them, and they are laying all over one another, being affectionate and quiet.
I LOVE surprising my friends with a delicious home cooked meal and homemade dessert at my house....hard work and instant gratification...gotta love it!
When Ian comes running into my bedroom yelling "Dood mownin' mama!" (he says it over and over until I say it back to him).
When Ian says, "I wuff you so much, mama".
When Ciera asks me a question, and I am able to explain things in a way she understand and she speaks with me like a little adult.
When Ciera sat at the kitchen table the other day and said, "Mama....do you ever feel like this life we live is not real? Like maybe it's a dream and we'll wake up one day? I'm having one of those days today. Oh well....life just goes on and on. Your mom had you, you had me, I will have kids and thier kids will have kids, and Life will just continue forever....." she blows me away! (she's 7!)
Being communicated to and communicating in an effective way.
Logic and common sense...I know they don't generally go hand in hand, but as someone who has both in spades, well....let's just say I appreciate it in others :-)
I love the fact the I have the ability to finish what I start....the drive to see things completed. I have an extreme aversion to just leaving things ( that can be done now) til a more convenient time. I've been known to work all day, put my kids to bed, and spend the majority of the night painting the entire interior of my home, just so I can get it done and wake up to a clean and fresh house.
I LOVE good music. Every day I live has some sort of sountrack....from hard rock, to 80's, to classical, to punk, love songs to hate songs....I love it all. Love to sing, love to dance....love to make a fool of myself :-D
I love having reasons to be thankful. I love being capable of being grateful. I love to show my appreciation. I love to take care of what is mine....and I'm good at it too!
I love being strong and opinionated. I don't open my mouth (genreally speaking) unless I know what I'm talking about.
I love to be good at the menial things in life...and I love that THAT is a rare quality in women these days. It makes me stand out and more valuable as a partner (notice I said partner and not slave or shadow).
I love Autumn- when the air gets crisp and noses and cheeks turn pink from the cold. I love to build a roaring fire, make some hot cider with buttershots (tastes like drinking a caramel apple), and curling up under a blanket....having warm laughs...being with those I love.
I love to be content. To have all I need and not yearn for what I don't have...to be satisfied.
To have a book so good, that I can't put it down until I'm done.
If anything I've written resonates with any of you, or if you'd just like to comment or share anything you love with me, drop me a message. I'd LOVE that too!!
1:21 PM
The things that I love....
Current mood:thankful
Here are a few of my favorite things- the things that make me smile almost daily.
My son, Ian, coming into my room at 3am EVERY NIGHT, climbing into bed with me (in his spider man boxer briefs) and squishing his little body up against mine, making sure that I am holding his toes while he falls back to sleep.
Getting very close to my daughter Ciera's face and pretending to count her freckles. She has this adorable white blonde peach fuzz on her cheeks and she just sits there and lets me make little circles on her face with my fingertips.
Ian whispering in my ear, "Mom, you're the beth singer ever!"
Watching Ciera light up when I tell her she's done a good job....she loves edification....and I love to give it to her.
When both kids are in the other room watching a movie, they don't know that I can see them, and they are laying all over one another, being affectionate and quiet.
I LOVE surprising my friends with a delicious home cooked meal and homemade dessert at my house....hard work and instant gratification...gotta love it!
When Ian comes running into my bedroom yelling "Dood mownin' mama!" (he says it over and over until I say it back to him).
When Ian says, "I wuff you so much, mama".
When Ciera asks me a question, and I am able to explain things in a way she understand and she speaks with me like a little adult.
When Ciera sat at the kitchen table the other day and said, "Mama....do you ever feel like this life we live is not real? Like maybe it's a dream and we'll wake up one day? I'm having one of those days today. Oh well....life just goes on and on. Your mom had you, you had me, I will have kids and thier kids will have kids, and Life will just continue forever....." she blows me away! (she's 7!)
Being communicated to and communicating in an effective way.
Logic and common sense...I know they don't generally go hand in hand, but as someone who has both in spades, well....let's just say I appreciate it in others :-)
I love the fact the I have the ability to finish what I start....the drive to see things completed. I have an extreme aversion to just leaving things ( that can be done now) til a more convenient time. I've been known to work all day, put my kids to bed, and spend the majority of the night painting the entire interior of my home, just so I can get it done and wake up to a clean and fresh house.
I LOVE good music. Every day I live has some sort of sountrack....from hard rock, to 80's, to classical, to punk, love songs to hate songs....I love it all. Love to sing, love to dance....love to make a fool of myself :-D
I love having reasons to be thankful. I love being capable of being grateful. I love to show my appreciation. I love to take care of what is mine....and I'm good at it too!
I love being strong and opinionated. I don't open my mouth (genreally speaking) unless I know what I'm talking about.
I love to be good at the menial things in life...and I love that THAT is a rare quality in women these days. It makes me stand out and more valuable as a partner (notice I said partner and not slave or shadow).
I love Autumn- when the air gets crisp and noses and cheeks turn pink from the cold. I love to build a roaring fire, make some hot cider with buttershots (tastes like drinking a caramel apple), and curling up under a blanket....having warm laughs...being with those I love.
I love to be content. To have all I need and not yearn for what I don't have...to be satisfied.
To have a book so good, that I can't put it down until I'm done.
If anything I've written resonates with any of you, or if you'd just like to comment or share anything you love with me, drop me a message. I'd LOVE that too!!
1:21 PM
The Life of a Fool ~ pre-divorce
Sep 28, 2006
The life of a fool...
Current mood:distressed
So....I'm a fool and now I know it. I've wasted almost 10 years of my life being one and I don't know how to feel about it.
It's not easy for me to trust. I've been taken advantage of in every way-for me to put my heart out there and continue to believe that someone has my best interest at heart is a big thing. It's huge!
I grew up being told that there are certain things that are unquestionable...so I didn't question anything....I followed- out of love, out of devotion, out of fear...out of wanting to be wanted, to be approved. As I got older I learned that making the decision to be that way did nothing but imprison me. It left me a shadow of my true self....someone always BEING for everyone else. I learned that EVERYTHING is able to be questioned...and I learned that it's ok to not have all the answers. So I decided....I decided to figure things out myself....I decided to trust of my OWN accord...not because someone told me I had to. I trusted....and I was a fool.
I'm devastated. It get's thrown in my face that I'm jealous...my true feelings are invalidated cause obviously I "must" love if I'm so upset....what is that shit?! I can't be upset that I'm lied to? It can't hurt regardless of who lies to me? I HATE BEING LIED TO!!! I'VE BEEN LIED TO ALL MY LIFE!!! I've been lied to about all the things most important to me....from faith, to love, to what parents are supposed to be, to how relationships are supposed to work, what it means to be loved and cherished....I've been lied to about it all. It sucks! It hurt's! I don't understand how this is ok....I don't understand how someone can be this way to the person they SAY they love and want to spend the rest of thier life with. Over and over again, I've tried to heal from the past, I've tried to move on....and it's always come back around to the same place. It's always come back to things that have been hidden from me....things that should not even go on in the context of the relationship I am in. It's always come back to me trusting again, and me being the fool. I'm not sure I can do that anymore. In fact, I'm almost positive that I can't. I'd rather be a miserable dried up old bitty than have the ONE thing that's so hard for me to give be taken for granted or not appreciated.
I'm literally, physically sick...part of me wants to end.
I'm a bitch, I'm a cunt, I'm a nag, I'm a dictator, I'm controlling, I'm emotional, I'm crazy and need medication, I'm a whore.....apparently I'm all of these things and more....and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't help what I am. It's kind of ironic that I LOVE who I am...in spite of all those things. It's just a shame that no matter what, I am never enough for anyone. I am never worthy of the truth....I am never worthy of having someone completely share thier life with me, I'm not worthy of being honored and cherished. I've become a commodity...almost a necessity, but not quite. If its not me, there'll be someone else, eventually. You dont' need my shit...
I can't believe I've been a fool for so long. I can't believe it....I guess I'm going to have to. Wonder what it's going to be like to move on? I'm scared....and I don't know if I can do it.
9:39 PM
The life of a fool...
Current mood:distressed
So....I'm a fool and now I know it. I've wasted almost 10 years of my life being one and I don't know how to feel about it.
It's not easy for me to trust. I've been taken advantage of in every way-for me to put my heart out there and continue to believe that someone has my best interest at heart is a big thing. It's huge!
I grew up being told that there are certain things that are unquestionable...so I didn't question anything....I followed- out of love, out of devotion, out of fear...out of wanting to be wanted, to be approved. As I got older I learned that making the decision to be that way did nothing but imprison me. It left me a shadow of my true self....someone always BEING for everyone else. I learned that EVERYTHING is able to be questioned...and I learned that it's ok to not have all the answers. So I decided....I decided to figure things out myself....I decided to trust of my OWN accord...not because someone told me I had to. I trusted....and I was a fool.
I'm devastated. It get's thrown in my face that I'm jealous...my true feelings are invalidated cause obviously I "must" love if I'm so upset....what is that shit?! I can't be upset that I'm lied to? It can't hurt regardless of who lies to me? I HATE BEING LIED TO!!! I'VE BEEN LIED TO ALL MY LIFE!!! I've been lied to about all the things most important to me....from faith, to love, to what parents are supposed to be, to how relationships are supposed to work, what it means to be loved and cherished....I've been lied to about it all. It sucks! It hurt's! I don't understand how this is ok....I don't understand how someone can be this way to the person they SAY they love and want to spend the rest of thier life with. Over and over again, I've tried to heal from the past, I've tried to move on....and it's always come back around to the same place. It's always come back to things that have been hidden from me....things that should not even go on in the context of the relationship I am in. It's always come back to me trusting again, and me being the fool. I'm not sure I can do that anymore. In fact, I'm almost positive that I can't. I'd rather be a miserable dried up old bitty than have the ONE thing that's so hard for me to give be taken for granted or not appreciated.
I'm literally, physically sick...part of me wants to end.
I'm a bitch, I'm a cunt, I'm a nag, I'm a dictator, I'm controlling, I'm emotional, I'm crazy and need medication, I'm a whore.....apparently I'm all of these things and more....and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't help what I am. It's kind of ironic that I LOVE who I am...in spite of all those things. It's just a shame that no matter what, I am never enough for anyone. I am never worthy of the truth....I am never worthy of having someone completely share thier life with me, I'm not worthy of being honored and cherished. I've become a commodity...almost a necessity, but not quite. If its not me, there'll be someone else, eventually. You dont' need my shit...
I can't believe I've been a fool for so long. I can't believe it....I guess I'm going to have to. Wonder what it's going to be like to move on? I'm scared....and I don't know if I can do it.
9:39 PM
Unconditional Love ~ pre-divorce
Sep 12, 2006
Unconditional Love?!
Current mood:pensive
Now there's a mouthful. Unconditional Love. What does that mean? Who gives Unconditional Love? Parents? Kids? God? The Universe? Dogs? WHO? I've heard many people talk about loving without any conditions but does anyone actually know how to do that? My parents and I haven't spoken in two years....a result of thier 'unconditional love'. I didn't meet some unreal standard so they no longer can have me in thier lives. The unconditional love spoken about biblically is very conditional.....you get unconditional love if you meet this condition, ie. believing in Jesus. In the Old Testament, you got unconditional love if you lived holy and perfect before God...I'm guessing no one experienced that. If you're Muslim, you get unconditional love as long as you don't touch pig blood or die dirty somehow. We get married and divorced because we have these ideals and when our mates don't meet those 'conditions' we can't be with them anymore....the love is gone. So, I wonder....is there such thing as Unconditional Love? Even our major religions don't REALLY put forth anything remotely close to being without condition-Love that is not earned but is always available, no matter the circumstance or fault of the receiver. I have a tattoo on my ankle....it's an attribute of God....it says "Unconditional Love" or "Complete Love". I think it IS an attribute of a real God....just not the ones we hear about....little gods covered over with some mans idea of righteousness....god's whose love is tempered with the fiery depths of hell for those who aren't good enough to get it. That, my friends, is not unconditional. That isn't even love. It's evil and a distortion of Truth....it puts people in bondage to guilt and makes them second guess thier worth. I think TRUE Unconditional Love is revealed in personal revelation of knowing that God is in you....everything you could ever need, you have already been equipped with....there just needs to be a personal realization of what is already there. I think God sees me and sees Himself and Unconditional Love is me knowing Who I am enough to see God in others. To KNOW the Truth about those around me so I don't judge thier lives or put myself in some self-righteous place....I have no right to do that. This life, these bodies, they aren't real. Reality is looking beyond what I see and choosing to see God....to see and give Life. Complete love is looking out my window, seeing the trees and grass, and knowing that those things are direct extensions of God loving me...giving me Life. Those things purify the air, just for me! Those small objects that fit perfectly into the life cycle of our planet are extensions of perfect self-giving Love.There is no condition there...no standard to meet. The whole purpose of thier existence is to give life....Unconditional Love? It's out there....and in here....and over there...it IS in me, and in you. I just wonder how long it will take for us to be certain of it so we can make some kind of a difference..... 4:56 PM
Unconditional Love?!
Current mood:pensive
Now there's a mouthful. Unconditional Love. What does that mean? Who gives Unconditional Love? Parents? Kids? God? The Universe? Dogs? WHO? I've heard many people talk about loving without any conditions but does anyone actually know how to do that? My parents and I haven't spoken in two years....a result of thier 'unconditional love'. I didn't meet some unreal standard so they no longer can have me in thier lives. The unconditional love spoken about biblically is very conditional.....you get unconditional love if you meet this condition, ie. believing in Jesus. In the Old Testament, you got unconditional love if you lived holy and perfect before God...I'm guessing no one experienced that. If you're Muslim, you get unconditional love as long as you don't touch pig blood or die dirty somehow. We get married and divorced because we have these ideals and when our mates don't meet those 'conditions' we can't be with them anymore....the love is gone. So, I wonder....is there such thing as Unconditional Love? Even our major religions don't REALLY put forth anything remotely close to being without condition-Love that is not earned but is always available, no matter the circumstance or fault of the receiver. I have a tattoo on my ankle....it's an attribute of God....it says "Unconditional Love" or "Complete Love". I think it IS an attribute of a real God....just not the ones we hear about....little gods covered over with some mans idea of righteousness....god's whose love is tempered with the fiery depths of hell for those who aren't good enough to get it. That, my friends, is not unconditional. That isn't even love. It's evil and a distortion of Truth....it puts people in bondage to guilt and makes them second guess thier worth. I think TRUE Unconditional Love is revealed in personal revelation of knowing that God is in you....everything you could ever need, you have already been equipped with....there just needs to be a personal realization of what is already there. I think God sees me and sees Himself and Unconditional Love is me knowing Who I am enough to see God in others. To KNOW the Truth about those around me so I don't judge thier lives or put myself in some self-righteous place....I have no right to do that. This life, these bodies, they aren't real. Reality is looking beyond what I see and choosing to see God....to see and give Life. Complete love is looking out my window, seeing the trees and grass, and knowing that those things are direct extensions of God loving me...giving me Life. Those things purify the air, just for me! Those small objects that fit perfectly into the life cycle of our planet are extensions of perfect self-giving Love.There is no condition there...no standard to meet. The whole purpose of thier existence is to give life....Unconditional Love? It's out there....and in here....and over there...it IS in me, and in you. I just wonder how long it will take for us to be certain of it so we can make some kind of a difference..... 4:56 PM
another old blog....pre-divorce
Sep 1, 2006
Hmmmmm......
Current mood:bouncy
So here I am...discovering and rediscovering. I think sometimes I am too intense for my own good.....analyzing everything doesn't change the underlying truth of a matter. Maybe it adds a bit of clarification, but things still are what they are. I can be o.k with that, right?
What about our concious lives being ruled by the unconcious? There are things we are affected by without our knowledge or consent that change who we become. I think of music, tones and rhythms, words, verbal or on a page......these things we store in our inmost parts that contribute to the defining of our nature. I am what I am because of what I take in. I've heard songs that for some reason unkown to me, have made me weep. I've woken up from dreams so vivid I though I would die from the physical and emotional pain I experienced...weeping because I cannot wrap my mind around what I BELIEVED I'd just experienced. I've literally had to give myself time to recover. Our sub-concious self is powerful.....it is our soul....it is us. I want to know that Truth about me.....about what gives LIFE and brings death...what is real and what is supposedly rational. Beyond the great beyond...."beyong the third dimension, beyond what I can see, I cannot touch what touches me."
Where do our moral compasses come from? I'm not talking about religious upbringing or governmental law. I'm talking about what defines right and wrong for us individually. Who are we? What makes someone "good"? Do we really have the capability to make 'right' choices? I ask because everywhere I look I see people screwing other people. "Looking out for #1". But at what cost? I mean, if I look out for others, doesn't it go without saying that somehow, some way, I will be looked out for too? NO! It's a sad, sad state of events when we have to reign in our charity because it will get demolished by the entitlements of others. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm tired of being hurt. I don't lie to people, but I am constantly lied to. I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but I'm sick of being trampled upon. I can be a rock....an island. Do we really need anyone else? Sometimes, I'm not so sure...... the shit far outweighs the sugar. Where is the nourishment? Who cherishes anyone anymore? Who looks at someone else and see's a treasure.....see's eternity? Life? Value? God? Something worthwhile.....worth preserving and protecting? No many people anymore, I fear. It feels like greiving....to know we are so clouded by our self importance that we cannot sit quietly, wait for the smoke to clear, and be amazed at the beauty that exists outside the confines of our daily life. I treat the way I want to be treated.....I want reciprocation. Being selfless is very selfish. We do for others because it makes us feel whole. It's starts to get difficult, though, when we are continually pouring out and no one cares enough to help us fill back up.....it's tiring indeed.
Here, I started out saying I was too intense and then totally got WAY TOO instense! HAHA!! Anywho....Love makes the World go round.....Love and magnetic forces....hehe!
Know Who you are......
10:37 PM
Hmmmmm......
Current mood:bouncy
So here I am...discovering and rediscovering. I think sometimes I am too intense for my own good.....analyzing everything doesn't change the underlying truth of a matter. Maybe it adds a bit of clarification, but things still are what they are. I can be o.k with that, right?
What about our concious lives being ruled by the unconcious? There are things we are affected by without our knowledge or consent that change who we become. I think of music, tones and rhythms, words, verbal or on a page......these things we store in our inmost parts that contribute to the defining of our nature. I am what I am because of what I take in. I've heard songs that for some reason unkown to me, have made me weep. I've woken up from dreams so vivid I though I would die from the physical and emotional pain I experienced...weeping because I cannot wrap my mind around what I BELIEVED I'd just experienced. I've literally had to give myself time to recover. Our sub-concious self is powerful.....it is our soul....it is us. I want to know that Truth about me.....about what gives LIFE and brings death...what is real and what is supposedly rational. Beyond the great beyond...."beyong the third dimension, beyond what I can see, I cannot touch what touches me."
Where do our moral compasses come from? I'm not talking about religious upbringing or governmental law. I'm talking about what defines right and wrong for us individually. Who are we? What makes someone "good"? Do we really have the capability to make 'right' choices? I ask because everywhere I look I see people screwing other people. "Looking out for #1". But at what cost? I mean, if I look out for others, doesn't it go without saying that somehow, some way, I will be looked out for too? NO! It's a sad, sad state of events when we have to reign in our charity because it will get demolished by the entitlements of others. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm tired of being hurt. I don't lie to people, but I am constantly lied to. I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but I'm sick of being trampled upon. I can be a rock....an island. Do we really need anyone else? Sometimes, I'm not so sure...... the shit far outweighs the sugar. Where is the nourishment? Who cherishes anyone anymore? Who looks at someone else and see's a treasure.....see's eternity? Life? Value? God? Something worthwhile.....worth preserving and protecting? No many people anymore, I fear. It feels like greiving....to know we are so clouded by our self importance that we cannot sit quietly, wait for the smoke to clear, and be amazed at the beauty that exists outside the confines of our daily life. I treat the way I want to be treated.....I want reciprocation. Being selfless is very selfish. We do for others because it makes us feel whole. It's starts to get difficult, though, when we are continually pouring out and no one cares enough to help us fill back up.....it's tiring indeed.
Here, I started out saying I was too intense and then totally got WAY TOO instense! HAHA!! Anywho....Love makes the World go round.....Love and magnetic forces....hehe!
Know Who you are......
10:37 PM
Old blog...pre-divorce
Aug 20, 2006
Hello, it's me...
Current mood:discontent
The things we build just fall apart.
It seems to me that the more effort I put into making something beautiful, the quicker it seems to turn ugly. I guess that just means that I cannot make something be something that it is not.
If it's not beautiful to begin with, whatever I fix on the outside will only be overcome by the internal rot anyway until all that left is a stinking, rotting corpse of something that wasn't quite right at the beginning.
So where does that leave me? "Without a vision people perish". I'm quickly losing mine....it's getting harder and harder to see.
Time is supposed to heal all things...things are supposed to get better with age. Sometimes isn't it the rottenness of something that makes it rare and desirable? Wine and cheese, baby....wine and cheese.
Maybe it's not that the situation is ugly, maybe it's me....maybe I'm rotten and stinking on the inside and all of my efforts to whitewash my own inner debauchery have only lent to make the destruction of what I've built that much more devastating.
I've tried to be a pleaser....but I can't please anyone, not even myself.
I've tried to smooth things over, to the detriment of my soul, but it's only made the path that much more treacherous.
It hurts...good God.
I haven't been living in some grand illusion-I don't believe in magic. I don't think things are better for everyone else....I just thing that people are happy in their ignorance and are willing to settle for unhappiness because at least that's better than nothing at all.
Negative, or limbo? Hmmm....I'm not perfect....in fact no one knows better than I how crappy and imperfect I actually am. I don't ask for perfection.....just consideration. I'm almost absent in my own life. What the hell?
Hello, it's me...
Current mood:discontent
The things we build just fall apart.
It seems to me that the more effort I put into making something beautiful, the quicker it seems to turn ugly. I guess that just means that I cannot make something be something that it is not.
If it's not beautiful to begin with, whatever I fix on the outside will only be overcome by the internal rot anyway until all that left is a stinking, rotting corpse of something that wasn't quite right at the beginning.
So where does that leave me? "Without a vision people perish". I'm quickly losing mine....it's getting harder and harder to see.
Time is supposed to heal all things...things are supposed to get better with age. Sometimes isn't it the rottenness of something that makes it rare and desirable? Wine and cheese, baby....wine and cheese.
Maybe it's not that the situation is ugly, maybe it's me....maybe I'm rotten and stinking on the inside and all of my efforts to whitewash my own inner debauchery have only lent to make the destruction of what I've built that much more devastating.
I've tried to be a pleaser....but I can't please anyone, not even myself.
I've tried to smooth things over, to the detriment of my soul, but it's only made the path that much more treacherous.
It hurts...good God.
I haven't been living in some grand illusion-I don't believe in magic. I don't think things are better for everyone else....I just thing that people are happy in their ignorance and are willing to settle for unhappiness because at least that's better than nothing at all.
Negative, or limbo? Hmmm....I'm not perfect....in fact no one knows better than I how crappy and imperfect I actually am. I don't ask for perfection.....just consideration. I'm almost absent in my own life. What the hell?
Friday, May 27, 2011
Unexplainable
Daddy issues.
How many of us have them?
I know I do...and even at 35 years of age I'm not sure how to deal with how they affect me.
I've been ostracized and disowned repeatedly since I was about 12 years old, by my father. (step-father, but the only one I've ever known or loved)
Whether it's because I was grounded for months for some minor infraction and made to sit in my room alone with only a bible for company, while being told I was forbidden to converse with my siblings (and they were not to talk to me either). Or when I was told to pack my "shit" and leave because I wasn't being a submissive daughter (at 19 years old!). Or when my (ex)husband was deployed and I was pregnant with our first child and was told I need to go live my life and leave 'his' family alone because I wouldn't get a divorce or anullment while my husband was deployed (and then 'dad' proceeded to call my in-laws and tell them to not take me in so I'd have to come back 'home' and apologize for not honoring my father),the hurt is still the same.
I don't know how many times I've just been chugging along in life only to be blindsided by being 'kicked out' without even knowing why. To add insult to injury, it then becomes MY fault that my father is hurting. He is SO heartbroken and weeps over how he is mistreated and not honored by me. He tags pictures of me that others post, like he's some doting father, and tells other people that I'm divisive and usurping him ~ and people I love and trust (and who I would think KNOW ME) coddle him and give him thier sympathies. "Poor guy....such an ungrateful daughter..."
Meanwhile, I have NO IDEA what I even did to warrant being dissmissed. I have some telling me I should just call, extend an olive branch and do what I can to make it better ~ but when does that stop being MY responsibility? Why is it always me who has to apologize or grovel and beg for acceptance? At what point does 'being the better person' become 'BE A DOORMAT'?
The other option people like to give is "Just let him go. Don't even think about him anymore. Don't waste your time, etc." It's just not that simple. It's not in ME to write off someone that I've loved and wept over, and who raised me since before I can remember, even knowing that he physically and emotionally hurt me repeatedly and has yet to take any of the responsibility. The ostracizing is still going on. I'm still being viewed as the 'bad' or 'difficult' one in a situation I had no part in making. I've gone over things so many times, to see what I could have said or done differently, and I still can't see how any of the burden should be on me to make things better.
And yet, I hurt. A lot. I have no relationship with my mother while my sisters are her best friends. Of course my sisters have never been treated like this, nor have they endured the years of physical and mental harm inflicted so they can't figure out why I won't...no, scratch that, CAN'T just pick up the phone. So now, I'm an outsider with them as well.
According to him, I am a usurper, a divider, someone who purposes to bring 'drama' ~ I am masculine and cold hearted, my balls are too big, I'm not submissive enough...
There really isn't an answer to be had for any of my questions, and nobody can rightly tell me how to deal with this situation because there are no pat answers.
There's a campfire and chairs are surrounding it, filled with my family members...and there is no seat for me....and nobody will move over and let me sit on the ground unless I kiss the kings ring ~ and I refuse to do that anymore....so I guess it really IS my fault after all.
How many of us have them?
I know I do...and even at 35 years of age I'm not sure how to deal with how they affect me.
I've been ostracized and disowned repeatedly since I was about 12 years old, by my father. (step-father, but the only one I've ever known or loved)
Whether it's because I was grounded for months for some minor infraction and made to sit in my room alone with only a bible for company, while being told I was forbidden to converse with my siblings (and they were not to talk to me either). Or when I was told to pack my "shit" and leave because I wasn't being a submissive daughter (at 19 years old!). Or when my (ex)husband was deployed and I was pregnant with our first child and was told I need to go live my life and leave 'his' family alone because I wouldn't get a divorce or anullment while my husband was deployed (and then 'dad' proceeded to call my in-laws and tell them to not take me in so I'd have to come back 'home' and apologize for not honoring my father),the hurt is still the same.
I don't know how many times I've just been chugging along in life only to be blindsided by being 'kicked out' without even knowing why. To add insult to injury, it then becomes MY fault that my father is hurting. He is SO heartbroken and weeps over how he is mistreated and not honored by me. He tags pictures of me that others post, like he's some doting father, and tells other people that I'm divisive and usurping him ~ and people I love and trust (and who I would think KNOW ME) coddle him and give him thier sympathies. "Poor guy....such an ungrateful daughter..."
Meanwhile, I have NO IDEA what I even did to warrant being dissmissed. I have some telling me I should just call, extend an olive branch and do what I can to make it better ~ but when does that stop being MY responsibility? Why is it always me who has to apologize or grovel and beg for acceptance? At what point does 'being the better person' become 'BE A DOORMAT'?
The other option people like to give is "Just let him go. Don't even think about him anymore. Don't waste your time, etc." It's just not that simple. It's not in ME to write off someone that I've loved and wept over, and who raised me since before I can remember, even knowing that he physically and emotionally hurt me repeatedly and has yet to take any of the responsibility. The ostracizing is still going on. I'm still being viewed as the 'bad' or 'difficult' one in a situation I had no part in making. I've gone over things so many times, to see what I could have said or done differently, and I still can't see how any of the burden should be on me to make things better.
And yet, I hurt. A lot. I have no relationship with my mother while my sisters are her best friends. Of course my sisters have never been treated like this, nor have they endured the years of physical and mental harm inflicted so they can't figure out why I won't...no, scratch that, CAN'T just pick up the phone. So now, I'm an outsider with them as well.
According to him, I am a usurper, a divider, someone who purposes to bring 'drama' ~ I am masculine and cold hearted, my balls are too big, I'm not submissive enough...
There really isn't an answer to be had for any of my questions, and nobody can rightly tell me how to deal with this situation because there are no pat answers.
There's a campfire and chairs are surrounding it, filled with my family members...and there is no seat for me....and nobody will move over and let me sit on the ground unless I kiss the kings ring ~ and I refuse to do that anymore....so I guess it really IS my fault after all.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Some thoughts on positive action
I have decided that since I desire to have peace, I will refrain from fighting fire with fire.
It would be so easy to turn around and 'do unto others' but frankly, I don't have the will nor the patience to keep up. It's exhausting trying to find reasons to hate someone and then continually feed that hate.
Instead of ignoring the good that others do, I'm purposing to praise them for it. Just because I don't have a proper relationship with someone doesn't mean I can't acknowledge the best parts of them. In fact, when I choose to be kind despite what I know someone is doing to me, I build within them a capacity to see me for who I truly am ~ even if that's not apparent at the present moment.
Example: Instead of focusing on the negative that continually flows from my ex husband, I want to turn around and thank him for the things he does that are productive. I want to thank him for loving his kids. I can say to him, "You did a really cool thing with such-and such and it made the kids day." Acknowledging the good things and being thankful for them fosters contentment in me.
I'm going to go ahead and put it out there. I like my ex's girlfriend. A lot. She seems to deeply care for him and his well being and that trickles down to the special things she does for our kids. I'm not exactly sure what she thinks of me (I have ideas but I can't entertain them or it detracts from my calm) but I know that outside of what she's been told, the only person who can reveal to her that I'm not a monster is ME. If I can be willing to step outside of my wounded ego and take her at face value instead of projecting some negative image upon her as though we're in some sort of competition, I can free myself from bearing the burden of what is projected onto me. Even if he or she never outwardly acknowledges the Truth about me, it's ok...cause it's not for them as much as it is for me and my peace of mind. I NEED to be free from the vicious circle.
I don't want to fight. I have no vendettas. I want my actions to be proof of my heart, not proof that I hate.
It would be so easy to turn around and 'do unto others' but frankly, I don't have the will nor the patience to keep up. It's exhausting trying to find reasons to hate someone and then continually feed that hate.
Instead of ignoring the good that others do, I'm purposing to praise them for it. Just because I don't have a proper relationship with someone doesn't mean I can't acknowledge the best parts of them. In fact, when I choose to be kind despite what I know someone is doing to me, I build within them a capacity to see me for who I truly am ~ even if that's not apparent at the present moment.
Example: Instead of focusing on the negative that continually flows from my ex husband, I want to turn around and thank him for the things he does that are productive. I want to thank him for loving his kids. I can say to him, "You did a really cool thing with such-and such and it made the kids day." Acknowledging the good things and being thankful for them fosters contentment in me.
I'm going to go ahead and put it out there. I like my ex's girlfriend. A lot. She seems to deeply care for him and his well being and that trickles down to the special things she does for our kids. I'm not exactly sure what she thinks of me (I have ideas but I can't entertain them or it detracts from my calm) but I know that outside of what she's been told, the only person who can reveal to her that I'm not a monster is ME. If I can be willing to step outside of my wounded ego and take her at face value instead of projecting some negative image upon her as though we're in some sort of competition, I can free myself from bearing the burden of what is projected onto me. Even if he or she never outwardly acknowledges the Truth about me, it's ok...cause it's not for them as much as it is for me and my peace of mind. I NEED to be free from the vicious circle.
I don't want to fight. I have no vendettas. I want my actions to be proof of my heart, not proof that I hate.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Of this you can be sure....
While pondering the many ways in which I can be 'Zen', I've decided to remind myself what I know to be true about ME.
#1. I'm not always perfect and sometimes I lose my cool, but my kids aren't overly concerned with my shortcomings because I own them (not the kids, my shortcomings). I've learned how to apologize when I go overboard. I feel really good about teaching my kids that making mistakes are a normal part of living on this planet and while we can't fix everything, we can only learn from our mistakes if we take responsibility for them and then work towards not making the same ones over and over again.
#2. I am a GREAT mom. The well being of my kids is at the forefront of just about every decision I make. I take care of them physically, spiritually and emotionally while also leaving them space to learn how to figure things out on their own. I live honestly in front of my children and I don't run or hide from confronting things head on. I firmly believe that if I am strong in my convictions in front of them, without being oppressive or overbearing, they will see that they can stand for what is right, without fear and without hurting other people purposely.
#3. I give people the benefit of the doubt. Even when they seem to have some sort of vendetta or are looking for something to find "wrong" with what I do, I still strive to treat them the way I want to be treated. Yes, that does mean I get blindsided and sometimes I even get hurt, but I'd rather be consistent in Love than turn into the same type of person they are. Maybe it's naivete on my part, but I'm ok with it. I want my legacy to be Love, and I want my kids to always be able to say, "Mom always tried to be the better person."
#4. I don't 'need' my parents. I don't need their approval. I can't believe I've finally reached the point in my life where I'm ok with not being good enough for them. I'm no longer strving to reach their unreachable standards. I'm no longer bothered by thier ability to cut me out of their lives for no other reason than I don't "submit" to some fabricated authority. HOORAY for this one!!!
#5. I'm a REALLY good cook. I LOVE creating yummy things to eat. I LOVE watching people eat and smile and leave my table satisfied.
#6. I have high standards. I want my home cleaned a certain way, which is why *I* prefer to do it myself. I want laundry done a certain way. I want my children to speak and behave a certain way; with manners and respect. I expect my children to do thier best with thier whole hearts in ALL that they do ~ and I don't feel like I can expect that of them unless they witness me practicing what I preach. Maybe that makes me uptight or rigid to some, but that's ok. I don't live for those people who think that way. I live for my family and my SELF and until I am dissatisfied with my results, I'll continue to have the standards I have and work hard to meet them.
#7. I am confident in my parenting. Sometimes I get caught up in trying to be perfect or in worrying about what people outside my home think about what I'm doing, and then I realize that no matter what they think, I KNOW THE TRUTH. My Partner KNOWS THE TRUTH. My children KNOW THE TRUTH. The kids are clean, healthy, and thriving. They get delicious, nutritious meals provided by my hands and they always leave my home looking well groomed and able to be proud of how they present themselves to the world. I stress honesty and responsibility and the importance of valuing people above 'things'. I make sure they aren't over scheduled and have time to just "be kids". Heck, sometimes they're even bored ~ and I'm glad of that! I don't tolerate fighting or angry arguing but I also don't step in each time they quarrel. I want them to learn how to work things out without needing outside help. Conflict resolution is EXTREMELY important to me and I want my children to be able to work on thier relationships instead of leaving things unsaid or pretending that things are ok, when they're not.
#8. I give good advice (most of the time). I strive to apply logic and common sense to situations.
#9. I HATE lies. Self explanatory.
#10. I worry too much. Usually about things that have no need of worry.....especially after I've had time to think critically. I'm workin' on it :-) My Zen Garden is coming to fruition day by day.
So, while I'm just a work in progress (like everyone else), I KNOW the good things about me, what needs work, what I CAN change, and what I can't....and I know that I have time enough to just LIVE the best life that I can while I learn the lessons that come with experience. I'm working on ME....of this you can be sure. <3
#1. I'm not always perfect and sometimes I lose my cool, but my kids aren't overly concerned with my shortcomings because I own them (not the kids, my shortcomings). I've learned how to apologize when I go overboard. I feel really good about teaching my kids that making mistakes are a normal part of living on this planet and while we can't fix everything, we can only learn from our mistakes if we take responsibility for them and then work towards not making the same ones over and over again.
#2. I am a GREAT mom. The well being of my kids is at the forefront of just about every decision I make. I take care of them physically, spiritually and emotionally while also leaving them space to learn how to figure things out on their own. I live honestly in front of my children and I don't run or hide from confronting things head on. I firmly believe that if I am strong in my convictions in front of them, without being oppressive or overbearing, they will see that they can stand for what is right, without fear and without hurting other people purposely.
#3. I give people the benefit of the doubt. Even when they seem to have some sort of vendetta or are looking for something to find "wrong" with what I do, I still strive to treat them the way I want to be treated. Yes, that does mean I get blindsided and sometimes I even get hurt, but I'd rather be consistent in Love than turn into the same type of person they are. Maybe it's naivete on my part, but I'm ok with it. I want my legacy to be Love, and I want my kids to always be able to say, "Mom always tried to be the better person."
#4. I don't 'need' my parents. I don't need their approval. I can't believe I've finally reached the point in my life where I'm ok with not being good enough for them. I'm no longer strving to reach their unreachable standards. I'm no longer bothered by thier ability to cut me out of their lives for no other reason than I don't "submit" to some fabricated authority. HOORAY for this one!!!
#5. I'm a REALLY good cook. I LOVE creating yummy things to eat. I LOVE watching people eat and smile and leave my table satisfied.
#6. I have high standards. I want my home cleaned a certain way, which is why *I* prefer to do it myself. I want laundry done a certain way. I want my children to speak and behave a certain way; with manners and respect. I expect my children to do thier best with thier whole hearts in ALL that they do ~ and I don't feel like I can expect that of them unless they witness me practicing what I preach. Maybe that makes me uptight or rigid to some, but that's ok. I don't live for those people who think that way. I live for my family and my SELF and until I am dissatisfied with my results, I'll continue to have the standards I have and work hard to meet them.
#7. I am confident in my parenting. Sometimes I get caught up in trying to be perfect or in worrying about what people outside my home think about what I'm doing, and then I realize that no matter what they think, I KNOW THE TRUTH. My Partner KNOWS THE TRUTH. My children KNOW THE TRUTH. The kids are clean, healthy, and thriving. They get delicious, nutritious meals provided by my hands and they always leave my home looking well groomed and able to be proud of how they present themselves to the world. I stress honesty and responsibility and the importance of valuing people above 'things'. I make sure they aren't over scheduled and have time to just "be kids". Heck, sometimes they're even bored ~ and I'm glad of that! I don't tolerate fighting or angry arguing but I also don't step in each time they quarrel. I want them to learn how to work things out without needing outside help. Conflict resolution is EXTREMELY important to me and I want my children to be able to work on thier relationships instead of leaving things unsaid or pretending that things are ok, when they're not.
#8. I give good advice (most of the time). I strive to apply logic and common sense to situations.
#9. I HATE lies. Self explanatory.
#10. I worry too much. Usually about things that have no need of worry.....especially after I've had time to think critically. I'm workin' on it :-) My Zen Garden is coming to fruition day by day.
So, while I'm just a work in progress (like everyone else), I KNOW the good things about me, what needs work, what I CAN change, and what I can't....and I know that I have time enough to just LIVE the best life that I can while I learn the lessons that come with experience. I'm working on ME....of this you can be sure. <3
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)