not enough

Sometimes, I just feel like my heart is breaking.

I work SO HARD to try to have a peaceful family where everyone feels important and valued. I stress speaking to each other with kindness and consideration, treating people the way we'd like to be treated, and not reacting in anger. I try to be an example of serving those we love, and showing appreciation when we are served....and....I think I'm just failing all around.

The person who is supposed to be my partner, is angry and disenfranchised due to his experiences in this blended family.
He refuses to defer to any of my experience on childrearing (or even relating to kids), instead he's argumentative, his words are scathing, and his outlook is almost always tinged with disdain for whatever is going on. He's not interested in investing in his relationships with the kids ~ even his own. Oh, he's not outwardly mean, but he finds things to nitpick and complain about, and I often end up feeling like I have to pull him aside and tell him to back off.

I've tried for 5 years now, to keep any animosity between me and the ex between us ~ and the kids are pretty well adjusted because of it...but sometimes, there's nothing I can do when I hear my partner say things like, "this weekend you get to be with your *fun dad*", or "it's ok, we all know I don't matter around here anyway", or "oh, that's right...I'm NOT the parent".
I freakin' want to pull my hair out!
He doesn't even have to deal with the ex! I do ~ and I don't even verbalize that stuff, especially NOT around the kids! I run ALL communications and interference, I'm the one who makes the concessions/compromises, I'm the one who stresses out because if I accomodate ex, then it pisses my partner off....if I *ever* accomodate my partner/*our family*, ex is be pissed.

I just feel defeated. I can't win. No matter who I try to make happy, nobody is EVER happy (except the kids...they just get to have a great, oblivious relationship with me and their father...lucky them).

And no matter what I do, I'm STILL seen as the enemy to ex and his girlfriend somehow. I purpose to be kind, to send pictures and texts, to be fair and inclusive ~ and what I get in return is asked a bunch of questions and when I reply with honesty and sincerity, I'm IGNORED, or demonized to other people...people who don't know a thing about me, are not at all aquainted with the situation other than what they're told by *them*...and these people think I'm some horrible person who is impossible to work with (and YES, I care what people think!).

Even in the "private forum" I use to help me wrangle the harder, more emotional aspects of this *family*....I make posts or ask questions or air grievances in the hopes of getting some perspective, so I can let stuff go and just do what I have to do ~ but that is feeling unsafe as of late.
I know ex's girlfriend is in the forums (and she has every right to be), and I know she reads what I write, but she's stopped responding entirely. I just feel like I'm being spied on and my words are being twisted and taken out of context and there's nothing I can do, short of leaving ALL support groups (and letting the girlfriend have all the support...since she apparently needs it even though neither I nor the kids have done anything to her). I feel completely exposed and scrutinized ~ with no feedback, no communication, no 'relationship'.

I'm trying to not be a victim (HARD PART!!!), I'm taking responsibility for my own negative actions, I'm trying to help us all have positive relationships, but the reality is when the shit hits the fan, mama can't 'step back'. I can't take a break or focus my energy on other things.
I have no choice.
I just have to grin and bear it all or else I'm controlling, manipulative, undermining, and any other adjective you can use to describe a BITCH. And no matter what I do, or whom I'm dealing with, I'm damned either way. I just feel alone and like I have to walk on eggshells. And god forbid I say anything negative to anyone about how their behaviors or actions are affecting me.

To top it all off, when I express how hard some of this stuff is, I'm totally marginalized and invalidated. I'm just 'mom'...I can't possibly be dealing with any stressors ~ that's reserved only for stepmoms who ALWAYS have it worse, even when they hardly know or deal with the kids at all.

Hell, I can't even give a 100% honest opinion half the time because I'm attacked for just thinking how I think. I don't feel I attack other people personally, I stick to whatever issues I might have with action or unhealthy behavior patterns (as this is what these groups are for)...I try to handle folks the way I'd like to be handled, but it's often misinterpreted or outright disregarded.

There are a few sweet ladies out there who can see me for 'me', but they aren't involved with me in real life. I just....I feel completely defeated. Trashed. Ridiculed and judged.

I feel alone...and unimportant. Heartbroken.

sometimes it just hurts...

Some days are just like this....*sigh*

too many failures, too often not heard or considered,lonely, stuck, losing, hurting....confused...

if former lives exist, I must have messed up bad....

if it's true that we teach people how to treat us, then how come nobody is learning?

guess I'll go clean up after everyone...again....seems to be the only thing I'm really good at.