Cloak of Invisibility

I wear one. I don't know where I got it from, but I have one and I can't seem to shrug it off.

As far back as I can remember, I've not been seen. Not been heard. Always somewhere in the background ~ with no needs to speak of.

I was the child who was not 'special'. I wasn't the dark one, I wasn't the quiet one, I wasn't the baby. I was just there, doing chores and trying to be good, hoping to be noticed one day...to be freed...to have the cloak removed. Nobody wanted to play with me.

I was the adolescent who had no friends ~ who dated no one. No boys asked after me. I went to no dances. I had no sleep overs. Nobody called. I have no memories or pictures of ball games or parties...I had my books. But they didn't see me either.

I was the big sister who was a 'lard ass' ~ who embarrassed her siblings by her public appearances. The UGLY sister. The masculine looking one. The only one with a name as unfeminine as testicles. In a group of my sisters, nobody noticed I was standing there. Nobody said words to me or flirted. Nobody even looked my way. I was just there...invisible.

I was the new mom who had to do it alone. No mother to hold my hand when I pushed. Nobody to clean my home while I recovered. Nobody to show me how to breastfeed or how to bathe my new babies. I got to figure that stuff out on my own ~ and nobody saw it but my babies...but they don't remember. All of that time is hidden somewhere under the veil...

I was the wife that had no opinions. The one who was supposed to stand by quietly and just do my job. I wasn't heard or seen the many times I cried of loneliness.I wasn't heard when I begged for the lies to stop...my tears weren't seen as I sat and heard about what other bodies looked and felt like...nobody noticed my broken heart when my life fell apart. Sometimes, that cloak almost smothered me...it still feels tight at my neck at times.

I'm the ex wife and mother who isn't seen. Nobody wants me around. Nobody cares what I've done. My children have raised themselves. My cards, letters, and gifts are not seen. No amount of niceness, acceptance, or forbearance matters because I don't exist. I'm the mom who wasn't. The ex wife who isn't. Invisible difficulty...

I have tried to lose that cloak. Every once in a while, when I smile in a room full of people, someone catches a glimmer and sees me...but once I am no longer standing there, it's like I never was.

Here I sit. Invisible. I have no heart to speak of. I have no emotions. I have no tears or moments of joy. I have no partners. I have no friends. I have to ask if my food tastes good. I have to ask if the house is clean enough. I have to ask if anyone likes anything I do...because nobody just tells me. Nobody is concerned about my insides or outsides. Nobody notices when I'm not there...probably because to them, I'm never there. They can't see me anyway.

This planet...it sucks. If there is a God, he doesn't notice me either...so I've decided not to notice him.

I think I'll be buried in this cloak. It's warm. It's my only comfort. I've had it since birth ~ I think it chose me.

Melancholia

I often stop and think about the implausible.
I think about the past.
Past memories.
Past relationships.
Past choices.


I think about where those choices branched out and created a different universe where a totally different life was being lived by an alternate *ME*.


I often wonder if there is a *ME* who was not divorced, who's kids did not have to be shuffled between homes, who's ex-partner still had his career.


I wonder what that *ME* is doing for work, or if she went back to school. I wonder if she feels good about her appearance and her home. I wonder if she's throwing pottery and painting pictures. I wonder what her kitchen looks like. I wonder where she and her husband went for their 15th Wedding Anniversary. I wonder if her husband grew into the person she needed him to be. I wonder if she was able to grow beyond her hurts and let him just BE who he promised to be once he was done sewing his oats... and if she and he were able to let the past be left where it is...long gone and not worth revisiting.


If she exists, I hope she's happy.I hope she and her husband have grown together and are satisfied in the deepest possible ways.


The *ME* that 'is' right now....I'm appreciative of everything I have ~ I still sometimes think about the could-have-beens, though ~ and I hurt because in this life, there is no rewind button. There is no magic eraser to get rid of the scuffs and stains ~ the residue always remains. There is no real way to fix mistakes or mend the un-mendable wounds.


There is only TODAY and each moment ~ there is only hindsight, which can keep us burdened or set us free. I want to be free. I want to stop being angry with the younger *US* who were impetuous, neglectful, and self-centered.
I want to just LIVE in my NOW. I want to forget...to be oblivious...

If there is an alternate *ME* somewhere out there, she has one less child than I do. One less set of eyes to gaze into, one less set of hands to hold, one less life to mold and cherish...one less heartache to have to let go of...


I hope the she that is me in another time and place has found Truth and happiness....I'm working on finding mine, here and now.