...but they never completely disappear.
I think I experienced a 'flashback' this morning. It was different than just a memory in that I had a physical reaction that was almost beyond my control.
I was in the shower, washing my hair, when I suddenly had a very vivid memory : I was 12 years old and sitting on the floor of the living room. I looked to my right, towards my parents bedroom. The french doors were closed. I remember hearing the first CRACK of the 2x4 across my brother's butt ~ and hearing him cry out. Each time he was hit, he cried out more until you could hardly hear him because his breath was lost...and then you could tell that he was hit in a different place because the cry from his pain was renewed and loud again. 23 times he was hit. I counted. I counted while I sat there with balled fists. I wanted to kick and punch the doors open and SCREAM at my father, "STOP! I HATEYOUIHATEYOU!!!!" but I just sat there, with tears in my eyes. I knew if I tried to go in those doors, I'd be hit too.
There I was, in the shower, powerfully, physically reliving that moment. I was standing there, eyes clenched shut as tight as possible, teeth gritting, fists curled, grunting and moaning through my locked jaw....water just running over me. I opened my eyes and tears poured down my cheeks ~ hot tears that woke me from my stupor.
What the heck just happened?! Whaaa....?
I have never had a physical response to a memory like that. I mean, iv'e cried about them before, but I felt like I WAS THERE. I wanted to punch in the doors ~ I thought I was going to! I thought I could vindicate myself and who cares if he hits me too! I should have protected my brother more!
For the life of me, I can't understand how a person can HIT his step-children with belts and boards and fists and words, too many times to count, and not feel remorse for it. And I can't understand how family members who know the slightest bit of what we endured can idloize this man. I can't understand how I'm on the 'outside' with my aunts and cousins and siblings for simply being DONE.
I'm more of a black sheep than I originally thought....apparently he showed up at my brother's doorstep today ~ the brother that he beat too many times ~ all the way across the country, to visit with my siblings and thier families ~ further proof of how little I actually mean to my parents.
Strange coincidence? I don't know...but if this is anything like PTSD, I don't know what to think....and I don't want it.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Belated Thankfulness ~ Thanksgiving 2006
Nov 27, 2006
Belated Thankfulness...but it's always good to be thankful
So, I've been thinking about the things I'm thankful for. I thought it would be nice to share a few and hopefully hear back from my friends about the things they are thankful for too. Maybe if we all share in the good things we can slightly alter the path of the planet....who knows ;-)
I am thankful for Ian and Ciera. Those two little people have changed my life in more ways I than I thought possible. They've taught me patience, the joy of living for someone other than myself, that I don't have all the answers (but that's ok) so I always want to learn more things so I can teach them. Without even knowing it they've shown me that I am capable of loving unconditionally, that even when I make mistakes dealing with them I am still the perfect mother for them....hmmmm.....
I am thankful for the past 9 years of my life. Without having experienced them I couldn't look forward to the next 9 years with such excitment. I've grown up, been hurt, become a mother, made my home 'homey', learned how NOT to communicate, hurt others, grown up some more, changed my outlook on life, and more or less figured out who I am. Thank you past....
I'm thankful for my childhood. It was rough and hurtful. It was abusive but there were moments of sweetness. When I think back and am distressed by the things that happened to me, I recongnize that all of those events (while they were the choices of other people who though little of my emotional welfare) we're molding me and bringing me to the end of myself so I could manifest something bigger. It's still hurts but it hasn't destroyed me. In fact, it probably brought me to this place of awareness much sooner than if I had lived an ideal little life. I'm eternally thankful for my pain because I was able to see who I should NOT be....I was able to look beyond the destroyer and see the beauty....and grasp what was hidden from me. It's mine now and it can't be taken from me again.
I'm thankful for my mistakes. While it's been hard to deal with them in the moment I realize that the mistakes that we make validate our right choices. What value would we place on utopia if we actually lived it? Choosing the wrong things and dealing with the consequences enabled me to be able to truly appreciate and treasure my next steps. I'm not sorry for my mistakes....I AM penitent for those I've hurt or affected by my selfishness and stupidity, but I am not sorry that I 'fell'....
I am thankful for the beauty outside my window. I look outside sometimes and cannot believe that people think that all of this came from nothing. How can you not look at a leaf of a bug and see the very image of God burned into it? The hand of a benevolent Creator is so visible, and here we sit not really paying attention and quietly doing all we can to make it all go away. My daughter, Ciera, LOVES the outdoors. She actually hugs trees!! NO KIDDING! She is one of the people who've gotten me out of my own head and into the open...she knows without a shadow a a doubt that there is LOVE in all of creation and I've seen her feed on it. I've learned to see every nuance, every little breeze as a complete expression of affection for me personally from Someone who also made sure that ever part of me was exactly where it needed to be. I'm thankful for my planet and the air that I breathe....and the people I share it with even though it seems that most of them are happily ignorant.
I'm thankful for the future. I don't know what it holds but I know that I control it! My choices and my responses to other people's choices will shape my path and take me....well, only God knows where.
I'm thankful for free will and rapid-fire synapses :-)
I'm thankful for the people who give without wondering what they'll get back.
I'm thankful for the people who only know how to take. It takes all of us to balance this crazy world out.
I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to be alive and cognizant. So thankful that every minute I live is another opportunity to change my forthcoming existence and possibly contribute to the happiness of someone I love. Thankful that I have two eyes to see, two ears to hear, skin that feels everything that it should and protects my insides, bones that are strong, extra melanin that spatters across my skin when the sun shines....thankful to be alive....and I WILL be thankful when I die. Whether there is life after this or not really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of today. What matters is that I live with a thankful and greatful heart and I close my eyes every night knowing that waking up the next day will be yet again another gift.
Happy Belated Thankfulness everybody. Actually, it's NOT late....it should be ALWAYS.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!
12:28 PM
Belated Thankfulness...but it's always good to be thankful
So, I've been thinking about the things I'm thankful for. I thought it would be nice to share a few and hopefully hear back from my friends about the things they are thankful for too. Maybe if we all share in the good things we can slightly alter the path of the planet....who knows ;-)
I am thankful for Ian and Ciera. Those two little people have changed my life in more ways I than I thought possible. They've taught me patience, the joy of living for someone other than myself, that I don't have all the answers (but that's ok) so I always want to learn more things so I can teach them. Without even knowing it they've shown me that I am capable of loving unconditionally, that even when I make mistakes dealing with them I am still the perfect mother for them....hmmmm.....
I am thankful for the past 9 years of my life. Without having experienced them I couldn't look forward to the next 9 years with such excitment. I've grown up, been hurt, become a mother, made my home 'homey', learned how NOT to communicate, hurt others, grown up some more, changed my outlook on life, and more or less figured out who I am. Thank you past....
I'm thankful for my childhood. It was rough and hurtful. It was abusive but there were moments of sweetness. When I think back and am distressed by the things that happened to me, I recongnize that all of those events (while they were the choices of other people who though little of my emotional welfare) we're molding me and bringing me to the end of myself so I could manifest something bigger. It's still hurts but it hasn't destroyed me. In fact, it probably brought me to this place of awareness much sooner than if I had lived an ideal little life. I'm eternally thankful for my pain because I was able to see who I should NOT be....I was able to look beyond the destroyer and see the beauty....and grasp what was hidden from me. It's mine now and it can't be taken from me again.
I'm thankful for my mistakes. While it's been hard to deal with them in the moment I realize that the mistakes that we make validate our right choices. What value would we place on utopia if we actually lived it? Choosing the wrong things and dealing with the consequences enabled me to be able to truly appreciate and treasure my next steps. I'm not sorry for my mistakes....I AM penitent for those I've hurt or affected by my selfishness and stupidity, but I am not sorry that I 'fell'....
I am thankful for the beauty outside my window. I look outside sometimes and cannot believe that people think that all of this came from nothing. How can you not look at a leaf of a bug and see the very image of God burned into it? The hand of a benevolent Creator is so visible, and here we sit not really paying attention and quietly doing all we can to make it all go away. My daughter, Ciera, LOVES the outdoors. She actually hugs trees!! NO KIDDING! She is one of the people who've gotten me out of my own head and into the open...she knows without a shadow a a doubt that there is LOVE in all of creation and I've seen her feed on it. I've learned to see every nuance, every little breeze as a complete expression of affection for me personally from Someone who also made sure that ever part of me was exactly where it needed to be. I'm thankful for my planet and the air that I breathe....and the people I share it with even though it seems that most of them are happily ignorant.
I'm thankful for the future. I don't know what it holds but I know that I control it! My choices and my responses to other people's choices will shape my path and take me....well, only God knows where.
I'm thankful for free will and rapid-fire synapses :-)
I'm thankful for the people who give without wondering what they'll get back.
I'm thankful for the people who only know how to take. It takes all of us to balance this crazy world out.
I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to be alive and cognizant. So thankful that every minute I live is another opportunity to change my forthcoming existence and possibly contribute to the happiness of someone I love. Thankful that I have two eyes to see, two ears to hear, skin that feels everything that it should and protects my insides, bones that are strong, extra melanin that spatters across my skin when the sun shines....thankful to be alive....and I WILL be thankful when I die. Whether there is life after this or not really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of today. What matters is that I live with a thankful and greatful heart and I close my eyes every night knowing that waking up the next day will be yet again another gift.
Happy Belated Thankfulness everybody. Actually, it's NOT late....it should be ALWAYS.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!
12:28 PM
Things that I love ~ circa 2006
Oct 4, 2006
The things that I love....
Current mood:thankful
Here are a few of my favorite things- the things that make me smile almost daily.
My son, Ian, coming into my room at 3am EVERY NIGHT, climbing into bed with me (in his spider man boxer briefs) and squishing his little body up against mine, making sure that I am holding his toes while he falls back to sleep.
Getting very close to my daughter Ciera's face and pretending to count her freckles. She has this adorable white blonde peach fuzz on her cheeks and she just sits there and lets me make little circles on her face with my fingertips.
Ian whispering in my ear, "Mom, you're the beth singer ever!"
Watching Ciera light up when I tell her she's done a good job....she loves edification....and I love to give it to her.
When both kids are in the other room watching a movie, they don't know that I can see them, and they are laying all over one another, being affectionate and quiet.
I LOVE surprising my friends with a delicious home cooked meal and homemade dessert at my house....hard work and instant gratification...gotta love it!
When Ian comes running into my bedroom yelling "Dood mownin' mama!" (he says it over and over until I say it back to him).
When Ian says, "I wuff you so much, mama".
When Ciera asks me a question, and I am able to explain things in a way she understand and she speaks with me like a little adult.
When Ciera sat at the kitchen table the other day and said, "Mama....do you ever feel like this life we live is not real? Like maybe it's a dream and we'll wake up one day? I'm having one of those days today. Oh well....life just goes on and on. Your mom had you, you had me, I will have kids and thier kids will have kids, and Life will just continue forever....." she blows me away! (she's 7!)
Being communicated to and communicating in an effective way.
Logic and common sense...I know they don't generally go hand in hand, but as someone who has both in spades, well....let's just say I appreciate it in others :-)
I love the fact the I have the ability to finish what I start....the drive to see things completed. I have an extreme aversion to just leaving things ( that can be done now) til a more convenient time. I've been known to work all day, put my kids to bed, and spend the majority of the night painting the entire interior of my home, just so I can get it done and wake up to a clean and fresh house.
I LOVE good music. Every day I live has some sort of sountrack....from hard rock, to 80's, to classical, to punk, love songs to hate songs....I love it all. Love to sing, love to dance....love to make a fool of myself :-D
I love having reasons to be thankful. I love being capable of being grateful. I love to show my appreciation. I love to take care of what is mine....and I'm good at it too!
I love being strong and opinionated. I don't open my mouth (genreally speaking) unless I know what I'm talking about.
I love to be good at the menial things in life...and I love that THAT is a rare quality in women these days. It makes me stand out and more valuable as a partner (notice I said partner and not slave or shadow).
I love Autumn- when the air gets crisp and noses and cheeks turn pink from the cold. I love to build a roaring fire, make some hot cider with buttershots (tastes like drinking a caramel apple), and curling up under a blanket....having warm laughs...being with those I love.
I love to be content. To have all I need and not yearn for what I don't have...to be satisfied.
To have a book so good, that I can't put it down until I'm done.
If anything I've written resonates with any of you, or if you'd just like to comment or share anything you love with me, drop me a message. I'd LOVE that too!!
1:21 PM
The things that I love....
Current mood:thankful
Here are a few of my favorite things- the things that make me smile almost daily.
My son, Ian, coming into my room at 3am EVERY NIGHT, climbing into bed with me (in his spider man boxer briefs) and squishing his little body up against mine, making sure that I am holding his toes while he falls back to sleep.
Getting very close to my daughter Ciera's face and pretending to count her freckles. She has this adorable white blonde peach fuzz on her cheeks and she just sits there and lets me make little circles on her face with my fingertips.
Ian whispering in my ear, "Mom, you're the beth singer ever!"
Watching Ciera light up when I tell her she's done a good job....she loves edification....and I love to give it to her.
When both kids are in the other room watching a movie, they don't know that I can see them, and they are laying all over one another, being affectionate and quiet.
I LOVE surprising my friends with a delicious home cooked meal and homemade dessert at my house....hard work and instant gratification...gotta love it!
When Ian comes running into my bedroom yelling "Dood mownin' mama!" (he says it over and over until I say it back to him).
When Ian says, "I wuff you so much, mama".
When Ciera asks me a question, and I am able to explain things in a way she understand and she speaks with me like a little adult.
When Ciera sat at the kitchen table the other day and said, "Mama....do you ever feel like this life we live is not real? Like maybe it's a dream and we'll wake up one day? I'm having one of those days today. Oh well....life just goes on and on. Your mom had you, you had me, I will have kids and thier kids will have kids, and Life will just continue forever....." she blows me away! (she's 7!)
Being communicated to and communicating in an effective way.
Logic and common sense...I know they don't generally go hand in hand, but as someone who has both in spades, well....let's just say I appreciate it in others :-)
I love the fact the I have the ability to finish what I start....the drive to see things completed. I have an extreme aversion to just leaving things ( that can be done now) til a more convenient time. I've been known to work all day, put my kids to bed, and spend the majority of the night painting the entire interior of my home, just so I can get it done and wake up to a clean and fresh house.
I LOVE good music. Every day I live has some sort of sountrack....from hard rock, to 80's, to classical, to punk, love songs to hate songs....I love it all. Love to sing, love to dance....love to make a fool of myself :-D
I love having reasons to be thankful. I love being capable of being grateful. I love to show my appreciation. I love to take care of what is mine....and I'm good at it too!
I love being strong and opinionated. I don't open my mouth (genreally speaking) unless I know what I'm talking about.
I love to be good at the menial things in life...and I love that THAT is a rare quality in women these days. It makes me stand out and more valuable as a partner (notice I said partner and not slave or shadow).
I love Autumn- when the air gets crisp and noses and cheeks turn pink from the cold. I love to build a roaring fire, make some hot cider with buttershots (tastes like drinking a caramel apple), and curling up under a blanket....having warm laughs...being with those I love.
I love to be content. To have all I need and not yearn for what I don't have...to be satisfied.
To have a book so good, that I can't put it down until I'm done.
If anything I've written resonates with any of you, or if you'd just like to comment or share anything you love with me, drop me a message. I'd LOVE that too!!
1:21 PM
The Life of a Fool ~ pre-divorce
Sep 28, 2006
The life of a fool...
Current mood:distressed
So....I'm a fool and now I know it. I've wasted almost 10 years of my life being one and I don't know how to feel about it.
It's not easy for me to trust. I've been taken advantage of in every way-for me to put my heart out there and continue to believe that someone has my best interest at heart is a big thing. It's huge!
I grew up being told that there are certain things that are unquestionable...so I didn't question anything....I followed- out of love, out of devotion, out of fear...out of wanting to be wanted, to be approved. As I got older I learned that making the decision to be that way did nothing but imprison me. It left me a shadow of my true self....someone always BEING for everyone else. I learned that EVERYTHING is able to be questioned...and I learned that it's ok to not have all the answers. So I decided....I decided to figure things out myself....I decided to trust of my OWN accord...not because someone told me I had to. I trusted....and I was a fool.
I'm devastated. It get's thrown in my face that I'm jealous...my true feelings are invalidated cause obviously I "must" love if I'm so upset....what is that shit?! I can't be upset that I'm lied to? It can't hurt regardless of who lies to me? I HATE BEING LIED TO!!! I'VE BEEN LIED TO ALL MY LIFE!!! I've been lied to about all the things most important to me....from faith, to love, to what parents are supposed to be, to how relationships are supposed to work, what it means to be loved and cherished....I've been lied to about it all. It sucks! It hurt's! I don't understand how this is ok....I don't understand how someone can be this way to the person they SAY they love and want to spend the rest of thier life with. Over and over again, I've tried to heal from the past, I've tried to move on....and it's always come back around to the same place. It's always come back to things that have been hidden from me....things that should not even go on in the context of the relationship I am in. It's always come back to me trusting again, and me being the fool. I'm not sure I can do that anymore. In fact, I'm almost positive that I can't. I'd rather be a miserable dried up old bitty than have the ONE thing that's so hard for me to give be taken for granted or not appreciated.
I'm literally, physically sick...part of me wants to end.
I'm a bitch, I'm a cunt, I'm a nag, I'm a dictator, I'm controlling, I'm emotional, I'm crazy and need medication, I'm a whore.....apparently I'm all of these things and more....and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't help what I am. It's kind of ironic that I LOVE who I am...in spite of all those things. It's just a shame that no matter what, I am never enough for anyone. I am never worthy of the truth....I am never worthy of having someone completely share thier life with me, I'm not worthy of being honored and cherished. I've become a commodity...almost a necessity, but not quite. If its not me, there'll be someone else, eventually. You dont' need my shit...
I can't believe I've been a fool for so long. I can't believe it....I guess I'm going to have to. Wonder what it's going to be like to move on? I'm scared....and I don't know if I can do it.
9:39 PM
The life of a fool...
Current mood:distressed
So....I'm a fool and now I know it. I've wasted almost 10 years of my life being one and I don't know how to feel about it.
It's not easy for me to trust. I've been taken advantage of in every way-for me to put my heart out there and continue to believe that someone has my best interest at heart is a big thing. It's huge!
I grew up being told that there are certain things that are unquestionable...so I didn't question anything....I followed- out of love, out of devotion, out of fear...out of wanting to be wanted, to be approved. As I got older I learned that making the decision to be that way did nothing but imprison me. It left me a shadow of my true self....someone always BEING for everyone else. I learned that EVERYTHING is able to be questioned...and I learned that it's ok to not have all the answers. So I decided....I decided to figure things out myself....I decided to trust of my OWN accord...not because someone told me I had to. I trusted....and I was a fool.
I'm devastated. It get's thrown in my face that I'm jealous...my true feelings are invalidated cause obviously I "must" love if I'm so upset....what is that shit?! I can't be upset that I'm lied to? It can't hurt regardless of who lies to me? I HATE BEING LIED TO!!! I'VE BEEN LIED TO ALL MY LIFE!!! I've been lied to about all the things most important to me....from faith, to love, to what parents are supposed to be, to how relationships are supposed to work, what it means to be loved and cherished....I've been lied to about it all. It sucks! It hurt's! I don't understand how this is ok....I don't understand how someone can be this way to the person they SAY they love and want to spend the rest of thier life with. Over and over again, I've tried to heal from the past, I've tried to move on....and it's always come back around to the same place. It's always come back to things that have been hidden from me....things that should not even go on in the context of the relationship I am in. It's always come back to me trusting again, and me being the fool. I'm not sure I can do that anymore. In fact, I'm almost positive that I can't. I'd rather be a miserable dried up old bitty than have the ONE thing that's so hard for me to give be taken for granted or not appreciated.
I'm literally, physically sick...part of me wants to end.
I'm a bitch, I'm a cunt, I'm a nag, I'm a dictator, I'm controlling, I'm emotional, I'm crazy and need medication, I'm a whore.....apparently I'm all of these things and more....and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't help what I am. It's kind of ironic that I LOVE who I am...in spite of all those things. It's just a shame that no matter what, I am never enough for anyone. I am never worthy of the truth....I am never worthy of having someone completely share thier life with me, I'm not worthy of being honored and cherished. I've become a commodity...almost a necessity, but not quite. If its not me, there'll be someone else, eventually. You dont' need my shit...
I can't believe I've been a fool for so long. I can't believe it....I guess I'm going to have to. Wonder what it's going to be like to move on? I'm scared....and I don't know if I can do it.
9:39 PM
Unconditional Love ~ pre-divorce
Sep 12, 2006
Unconditional Love?!
Current mood:pensive
Now there's a mouthful. Unconditional Love. What does that mean? Who gives Unconditional Love? Parents? Kids? God? The Universe? Dogs? WHO? I've heard many people talk about loving without any conditions but does anyone actually know how to do that? My parents and I haven't spoken in two years....a result of thier 'unconditional love'. I didn't meet some unreal standard so they no longer can have me in thier lives. The unconditional love spoken about biblically is very conditional.....you get unconditional love if you meet this condition, ie. believing in Jesus. In the Old Testament, you got unconditional love if you lived holy and perfect before God...I'm guessing no one experienced that. If you're Muslim, you get unconditional love as long as you don't touch pig blood or die dirty somehow. We get married and divorced because we have these ideals and when our mates don't meet those 'conditions' we can't be with them anymore....the love is gone. So, I wonder....is there such thing as Unconditional Love? Even our major religions don't REALLY put forth anything remotely close to being without condition-Love that is not earned but is always available, no matter the circumstance or fault of the receiver. I have a tattoo on my ankle....it's an attribute of God....it says "Unconditional Love" or "Complete Love". I think it IS an attribute of a real God....just not the ones we hear about....little gods covered over with some mans idea of righteousness....god's whose love is tempered with the fiery depths of hell for those who aren't good enough to get it. That, my friends, is not unconditional. That isn't even love. It's evil and a distortion of Truth....it puts people in bondage to guilt and makes them second guess thier worth. I think TRUE Unconditional Love is revealed in personal revelation of knowing that God is in you....everything you could ever need, you have already been equipped with....there just needs to be a personal realization of what is already there. I think God sees me and sees Himself and Unconditional Love is me knowing Who I am enough to see God in others. To KNOW the Truth about those around me so I don't judge thier lives or put myself in some self-righteous place....I have no right to do that. This life, these bodies, they aren't real. Reality is looking beyond what I see and choosing to see God....to see and give Life. Complete love is looking out my window, seeing the trees and grass, and knowing that those things are direct extensions of God loving me...giving me Life. Those things purify the air, just for me! Those small objects that fit perfectly into the life cycle of our planet are extensions of perfect self-giving Love.There is no condition there...no standard to meet. The whole purpose of thier existence is to give life....Unconditional Love? It's out there....and in here....and over there...it IS in me, and in you. I just wonder how long it will take for us to be certain of it so we can make some kind of a difference..... 4:56 PM
Unconditional Love?!
Current mood:pensive
Now there's a mouthful. Unconditional Love. What does that mean? Who gives Unconditional Love? Parents? Kids? God? The Universe? Dogs? WHO? I've heard many people talk about loving without any conditions but does anyone actually know how to do that? My parents and I haven't spoken in two years....a result of thier 'unconditional love'. I didn't meet some unreal standard so they no longer can have me in thier lives. The unconditional love spoken about biblically is very conditional.....you get unconditional love if you meet this condition, ie. believing in Jesus. In the Old Testament, you got unconditional love if you lived holy and perfect before God...I'm guessing no one experienced that. If you're Muslim, you get unconditional love as long as you don't touch pig blood or die dirty somehow. We get married and divorced because we have these ideals and when our mates don't meet those 'conditions' we can't be with them anymore....the love is gone. So, I wonder....is there such thing as Unconditional Love? Even our major religions don't REALLY put forth anything remotely close to being without condition-Love that is not earned but is always available, no matter the circumstance or fault of the receiver. I have a tattoo on my ankle....it's an attribute of God....it says "Unconditional Love" or "Complete Love". I think it IS an attribute of a real God....just not the ones we hear about....little gods covered over with some mans idea of righteousness....god's whose love is tempered with the fiery depths of hell for those who aren't good enough to get it. That, my friends, is not unconditional. That isn't even love. It's evil and a distortion of Truth....it puts people in bondage to guilt and makes them second guess thier worth. I think TRUE Unconditional Love is revealed in personal revelation of knowing that God is in you....everything you could ever need, you have already been equipped with....there just needs to be a personal realization of what is already there. I think God sees me and sees Himself and Unconditional Love is me knowing Who I am enough to see God in others. To KNOW the Truth about those around me so I don't judge thier lives or put myself in some self-righteous place....I have no right to do that. This life, these bodies, they aren't real. Reality is looking beyond what I see and choosing to see God....to see and give Life. Complete love is looking out my window, seeing the trees and grass, and knowing that those things are direct extensions of God loving me...giving me Life. Those things purify the air, just for me! Those small objects that fit perfectly into the life cycle of our planet are extensions of perfect self-giving Love.There is no condition there...no standard to meet. The whole purpose of thier existence is to give life....Unconditional Love? It's out there....and in here....and over there...it IS in me, and in you. I just wonder how long it will take for us to be certain of it so we can make some kind of a difference..... 4:56 PM
another old blog....pre-divorce
Sep 1, 2006
Hmmmmm......
Current mood:bouncy
So here I am...discovering and rediscovering. I think sometimes I am too intense for my own good.....analyzing everything doesn't change the underlying truth of a matter. Maybe it adds a bit of clarification, but things still are what they are. I can be o.k with that, right?
What about our concious lives being ruled by the unconcious? There are things we are affected by without our knowledge or consent that change who we become. I think of music, tones and rhythms, words, verbal or on a page......these things we store in our inmost parts that contribute to the defining of our nature. I am what I am because of what I take in. I've heard songs that for some reason unkown to me, have made me weep. I've woken up from dreams so vivid I though I would die from the physical and emotional pain I experienced...weeping because I cannot wrap my mind around what I BELIEVED I'd just experienced. I've literally had to give myself time to recover. Our sub-concious self is powerful.....it is our soul....it is us. I want to know that Truth about me.....about what gives LIFE and brings death...what is real and what is supposedly rational. Beyond the great beyond...."beyong the third dimension, beyond what I can see, I cannot touch what touches me."
Where do our moral compasses come from? I'm not talking about religious upbringing or governmental law. I'm talking about what defines right and wrong for us individually. Who are we? What makes someone "good"? Do we really have the capability to make 'right' choices? I ask because everywhere I look I see people screwing other people. "Looking out for #1". But at what cost? I mean, if I look out for others, doesn't it go without saying that somehow, some way, I will be looked out for too? NO! It's a sad, sad state of events when we have to reign in our charity because it will get demolished by the entitlements of others. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm tired of being hurt. I don't lie to people, but I am constantly lied to. I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but I'm sick of being trampled upon. I can be a rock....an island. Do we really need anyone else? Sometimes, I'm not so sure...... the shit far outweighs the sugar. Where is the nourishment? Who cherishes anyone anymore? Who looks at someone else and see's a treasure.....see's eternity? Life? Value? God? Something worthwhile.....worth preserving and protecting? No many people anymore, I fear. It feels like greiving....to know we are so clouded by our self importance that we cannot sit quietly, wait for the smoke to clear, and be amazed at the beauty that exists outside the confines of our daily life. I treat the way I want to be treated.....I want reciprocation. Being selfless is very selfish. We do for others because it makes us feel whole. It's starts to get difficult, though, when we are continually pouring out and no one cares enough to help us fill back up.....it's tiring indeed.
Here, I started out saying I was too intense and then totally got WAY TOO instense! HAHA!! Anywho....Love makes the World go round.....Love and magnetic forces....hehe!
Know Who you are......
10:37 PM
Hmmmmm......
Current mood:bouncy
So here I am...discovering and rediscovering. I think sometimes I am too intense for my own good.....analyzing everything doesn't change the underlying truth of a matter. Maybe it adds a bit of clarification, but things still are what they are. I can be o.k with that, right?
What about our concious lives being ruled by the unconcious? There are things we are affected by without our knowledge or consent that change who we become. I think of music, tones and rhythms, words, verbal or on a page......these things we store in our inmost parts that contribute to the defining of our nature. I am what I am because of what I take in. I've heard songs that for some reason unkown to me, have made me weep. I've woken up from dreams so vivid I though I would die from the physical and emotional pain I experienced...weeping because I cannot wrap my mind around what I BELIEVED I'd just experienced. I've literally had to give myself time to recover. Our sub-concious self is powerful.....it is our soul....it is us. I want to know that Truth about me.....about what gives LIFE and brings death...what is real and what is supposedly rational. Beyond the great beyond...."beyong the third dimension, beyond what I can see, I cannot touch what touches me."
Where do our moral compasses come from? I'm not talking about religious upbringing or governmental law. I'm talking about what defines right and wrong for us individually. Who are we? What makes someone "good"? Do we really have the capability to make 'right' choices? I ask because everywhere I look I see people screwing other people. "Looking out for #1". But at what cost? I mean, if I look out for others, doesn't it go without saying that somehow, some way, I will be looked out for too? NO! It's a sad, sad state of events when we have to reign in our charity because it will get demolished by the entitlements of others. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm tired of being hurt. I don't lie to people, but I am constantly lied to. I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but I'm sick of being trampled upon. I can be a rock....an island. Do we really need anyone else? Sometimes, I'm not so sure...... the shit far outweighs the sugar. Where is the nourishment? Who cherishes anyone anymore? Who looks at someone else and see's a treasure.....see's eternity? Life? Value? God? Something worthwhile.....worth preserving and protecting? No many people anymore, I fear. It feels like greiving....to know we are so clouded by our self importance that we cannot sit quietly, wait for the smoke to clear, and be amazed at the beauty that exists outside the confines of our daily life. I treat the way I want to be treated.....I want reciprocation. Being selfless is very selfish. We do for others because it makes us feel whole. It's starts to get difficult, though, when we are continually pouring out and no one cares enough to help us fill back up.....it's tiring indeed.
Here, I started out saying I was too intense and then totally got WAY TOO instense! HAHA!! Anywho....Love makes the World go round.....Love and magnetic forces....hehe!
Know Who you are......
10:37 PM
Old blog...pre-divorce
Aug 20, 2006
Hello, it's me...
Current mood:discontent
The things we build just fall apart.
It seems to me that the more effort I put into making something beautiful, the quicker it seems to turn ugly. I guess that just means that I cannot make something be something that it is not.
If it's not beautiful to begin with, whatever I fix on the outside will only be overcome by the internal rot anyway until all that left is a stinking, rotting corpse of something that wasn't quite right at the beginning.
So where does that leave me? "Without a vision people perish". I'm quickly losing mine....it's getting harder and harder to see.
Time is supposed to heal all things...things are supposed to get better with age. Sometimes isn't it the rottenness of something that makes it rare and desirable? Wine and cheese, baby....wine and cheese.
Maybe it's not that the situation is ugly, maybe it's me....maybe I'm rotten and stinking on the inside and all of my efforts to whitewash my own inner debauchery have only lent to make the destruction of what I've built that much more devastating.
I've tried to be a pleaser....but I can't please anyone, not even myself.
I've tried to smooth things over, to the detriment of my soul, but it's only made the path that much more treacherous.
It hurts...good God.
I haven't been living in some grand illusion-I don't believe in magic. I don't think things are better for everyone else....I just thing that people are happy in their ignorance and are willing to settle for unhappiness because at least that's better than nothing at all.
Negative, or limbo? Hmmm....I'm not perfect....in fact no one knows better than I how crappy and imperfect I actually am. I don't ask for perfection.....just consideration. I'm almost absent in my own life. What the hell?
Hello, it's me...
Current mood:discontent
The things we build just fall apart.
It seems to me that the more effort I put into making something beautiful, the quicker it seems to turn ugly. I guess that just means that I cannot make something be something that it is not.
If it's not beautiful to begin with, whatever I fix on the outside will only be overcome by the internal rot anyway until all that left is a stinking, rotting corpse of something that wasn't quite right at the beginning.
So where does that leave me? "Without a vision people perish". I'm quickly losing mine....it's getting harder and harder to see.
Time is supposed to heal all things...things are supposed to get better with age. Sometimes isn't it the rottenness of something that makes it rare and desirable? Wine and cheese, baby....wine and cheese.
Maybe it's not that the situation is ugly, maybe it's me....maybe I'm rotten and stinking on the inside and all of my efforts to whitewash my own inner debauchery have only lent to make the destruction of what I've built that much more devastating.
I've tried to be a pleaser....but I can't please anyone, not even myself.
I've tried to smooth things over, to the detriment of my soul, but it's only made the path that much more treacherous.
It hurts...good God.
I haven't been living in some grand illusion-I don't believe in magic. I don't think things are better for everyone else....I just thing that people are happy in their ignorance and are willing to settle for unhappiness because at least that's better than nothing at all.
Negative, or limbo? Hmmm....I'm not perfect....in fact no one knows better than I how crappy and imperfect I actually am. I don't ask for perfection.....just consideration. I'm almost absent in my own life. What the hell?
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