Melancholia

I often stop and think about the implausible.
I think about the past.
Past memories.
Past relationships.
Past choices.


I think about where those choices branched out and created a different universe where a totally different life was being lived by an alternate *ME*.


I often wonder if there is a *ME* who was not divorced, who's kids did not have to be shuffled between homes, who's ex-partner still had his career.


I wonder what that *ME* is doing for work, or if she went back to school. I wonder if she feels good about her appearance and her home. I wonder if she's throwing pottery and painting pictures. I wonder what her kitchen looks like. I wonder where she and her husband went for their 15th Wedding Anniversary. I wonder if her husband grew into the person she needed him to be. I wonder if she was able to grow beyond her hurts and let him just BE who he promised to be once he was done sewing his oats... and if she and he were able to let the past be left where it is...long gone and not worth revisiting.


If she exists, I hope she's happy.I hope she and her husband have grown together and are satisfied in the deepest possible ways.


The *ME* that 'is' right now....I'm appreciative of everything I have ~ I still sometimes think about the could-have-beens, though ~ and I hurt because in this life, there is no rewind button. There is no magic eraser to get rid of the scuffs and stains ~ the residue always remains. There is no real way to fix mistakes or mend the un-mendable wounds.


There is only TODAY and each moment ~ there is only hindsight, which can keep us burdened or set us free. I want to be free. I want to stop being angry with the younger *US* who were impetuous, neglectful, and self-centered.
I want to just LIVE in my NOW. I want to forget...to be oblivious...

If there is an alternate *ME* somewhere out there, she has one less child than I do. One less set of eyes to gaze into, one less set of hands to hold, one less life to mold and cherish...one less heartache to have to let go of...


I hope the she that is me in another time and place has found Truth and happiness....I'm working on finding mine, here and now.