...but they never completely disappear.
I think I experienced a 'flashback' this morning. It was different than just a memory in that I had a physical reaction that was almost beyond my control.
I was in the shower, washing my hair, when I suddenly had a very vivid memory : I was 12 years old and sitting on the floor of the living room. I looked to my right, towards my parents bedroom. The french doors were closed. I remember hearing the first CRACK of the 2x4 across my brother's butt ~ and hearing him cry out. Each time he was hit, he cried out more until you could hardly hear him because his breath was lost...and then you could tell that he was hit in a different place because the cry from his pain was renewed and loud again. 23 times he was hit. I counted. I counted while I sat there with balled fists. I wanted to kick and punch the doors open and SCREAM at my father, "STOP! I HATEYOUIHATEYOU!!!!" but I just sat there, with tears in my eyes. I knew if I tried to go in those doors, I'd be hit too.
There I was, in the shower, powerfully, physically reliving that moment. I was standing there, eyes clenched shut as tight as possible, teeth gritting, fists curled, grunting and moaning through my locked jaw....water just running over me. I opened my eyes and tears poured down my cheeks ~ hot tears that woke me from my stupor.
What the heck just happened?! Whaaa....?
I have never had a physical response to a memory like that. I mean, iv'e cried about them before, but I felt like I WAS THERE. I wanted to punch in the doors ~ I thought I was going to! I thought I could vindicate myself and who cares if he hits me too! I should have protected my brother more!
For the life of me, I can't understand how a person can HIT his step-children with belts and boards and fists and words, too many times to count, and not feel remorse for it. And I can't understand how family members who know the slightest bit of what we endured can idloize this man. I can't understand how I'm on the 'outside' with my aunts and cousins and siblings for simply being DONE.
I'm more of a black sheep than I originally thought....apparently he showed up at my brother's doorstep today ~ the brother that he beat too many times ~ all the way across the country, to visit with my siblings and thier families ~ further proof of how little I actually mean to my parents.
Strange coincidence? I don't know...but if this is anything like PTSD, I don't know what to think....and I don't want it.
Dina, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You are such a strong woman. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteAs hurt as you are, perhaps the best thing these people ever did was distance themselves from you. Look at it like this: Would you rather have a friendly surface relationship with people that keep you connected to your pain with their fair-weather behavior? Or would you rather cut the beast off at the knees and leave it bleeding where it once stood and move forward?
ReplyDeleteSometimes there are some people who just keep us connected to dysfunction. Sometimes, its best to let them go?
Love you. :)
Hey...*I* know I need to cut them out. It's the fact that they are the ones who always cut ME out that gets to me...like because I won't submit anymore, I'm not worthy. It just hurts. Not that I WANT them in my life...but I don't want to be rejected by them, if that makes sense?
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna post this statement that I got from a friend.
ReplyDeleteDon't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering
this really does apply here. It may seem hard or harsh to block them from your life, but you need to find some way of separating yourself from his mess. He was destructive then and he is still destructive now to your life if you can't find some filter from him
Kristine
I can understand the blocking them from my life NOW, Kris...but it's hard to not take my memories personally. I mean, they are mine.
ReplyDeleteI think it's the seperation that is making room for the painful memories. When I'm actively involved with those people, my mind is in the present. It's the distance (and it's been a long time since I've spoken to any of them) that bring in the remembering...
I remember back along time ago a it was very early opne summer morning and I was the only that was outside sitting on the front porch. There were two men walking toward each other (one coming down a hill and the other going up the hil towards him) when they met in the middle (never noticing me) one of the men stepped in close to the other and looked to me as if they were shaking hands. Next thing I knew one of the men walked away and the other man dropped to his knees holding his stomach. He was bleeding from multiple stab wounds. I ran in the house and quite honestly I do not remember much after that. But that moment cam back to me about three years ago as if it were the first time I had seen it. Any how, I do know that the man lived, but was never the same again (mentally). I know I wasn't either. This among many instances due to the life that was lead by my parents. I had no protection and was expected to be the parent at 12+ years old. Ugh!!!!
ReplyDeleteShame on them, Karen!! *hug*
ReplyDelete