The "Ugly Green Monster"

Yes, I'm talking about jealousy.

I'm not jealous of those who have more money than I. I'm not jealous of women who are better looking than me. I'm not jealous of my Husband finding other women attractive. I'm not jealous over silly, petty things....or at least I didn't think I was.

I'm jealous of my ex being with our children.

I know, I know....he has a RIGHT to have a relationship with his progeny. I KNOW THIS! He deserves to foster a relationship with the kids ~ they are half him too. In fact, I would never do anything to deny him access to them because I KNOW they need to be with their father. It's just....*sigh*....

He is the "fun guy". His time with them is so limited that every moment he spends with them is spectacular. From seeing every movie possible to buying the best clothes/books/toys, to taking the most amazing Disney/Sea World/Universal Studios, etc. vacations, EVERYTHING he does with them is just SO big and SO fun that I fear the kids will want THAT instead of me.

Our life at home is typical. It's mundane. We have a routine, homework, chores, getting along....we have rules about obedience and consequences, respect, treating each other the way we want to be treated. Day in and day out, things are pretty much the same. I'm pretty strict and expect certain behavior. I'm insistent on getting homework done in a timely manner, and then Ian and I take another 30 to 60 minutes to do some 'extra' work with Hooked on Phonics because he NEEDS the extra help. Ian doesn't necessarily like the extra work, but he struggles enough without it. Ciera is prepubescent and sometimes the 'attitude' rears it's head. I'm very quick to deal with the issues surrounding that, letting her know that while it's ok to have whatever feelings she does, it's NOT ok to be a twit. I don't let the kids get away with ANYTHING. I have strict bedtime rules, because I believe that children NEED to get sleep in order to grow and function properly. All of this and more are things that are just normal, boring parts of our life. Things that the kids don't necessarily like, but they do them nonetheless.

On the other hand, when they are with their father, they get 'stuff'. They go out and do things all the time. They stay up until all hours, and drink soda and play video games. They ask, and he gets it for them. He randomly shows up at school and sports functions, swoops in like a "hero" and appears to be this doting and involved parent ~ and EVERYONE gives him credit for it!
Example:
Yesterday was Ian's Valentine's party at school. I knew that his father was picking him up for the weekend. Well, I find out after the fact that he actually went to the school, sat with Ian's class, watched a movie with them all, giggled and played with Ian's classmates, and had a talk with Ian's teacher ~ asked her how Ian was doing with his school work, was he a good boy, did he "need a knuckle sandwich"..all good things (and the teacher replied that he was doing wonderful, completed his assignments, and was steadily improving, etc.). The problem I have is that he came in acting like he is so involved, with his charming personality and big grin, when the ONLY reason Ian is doing so well is because of ME. He is constantly taking credit for the amazing things our kids are accomplishing when he has NOTHING to do with them accomplishing them!

He does this ALL the time. He shows up just in the nick of time to be a part of all the 'good' stuff. He is a frikkin' HERO to the kids ~ and all he does is participate in the easy, fun parts of life!

I KNOW this sounds SO petty and ridiculous. I mean, c'mon...give the guy a break. He's out there 'serving' the country and being a part of the kids lives as he can.
Wait.
I take that back.
Because really, he is a part of their lives when it's convenient for him. When it doesn't interfere with going to a football game or getting laid. Only they don't know this...and I can't tell them. They don't know that he payed himself back for visiting with them by taking it out of their child support. YES! He did that!

I get told all the time that, "They are smart. They'll see the bigger picture. They will know who is REALLY investing in their lives. They'll see him for who he really is....", but I don't buy it. I've already been told by Ciera (in a VERY innocent way) that if her father didn't have a revolving door of roommates and girlfriends, she would want to live with him. *HEARTBREAK*

He doesn't even wash their clothes when he has them - his mother does! He doesn't cut fingernails or toenails. He doesn't trim their hair in hairstyles THEY choose (the one time he got Ian a haircut, it was a mowhawk and Ian was mortified and hated it...his father made him get one anyway...Ian asked me to cut it as soon as he walked in the door.). He doesn't take them to the Dr. when they get sick - both of them have come home before, clearly stricken with pinkeye, or coughing their brains out and he does nothing. Ciera suffers from eczema, plaque psoriasis, and chronic hives (which is exacerbated every time she spends time with him). Her poor hands peel like crazy. Her father told her (not ME) that she needed to see a Dermatologist~ but did HE take her to see one? No. I am the one who slathers her with creams to make sure her poor skin stays supple and unirritated. He doesn't even comb Ciera's hair.

AAAAHHHH! I could go on and on...but I wont.

I'm just sick. I'm angry at myself for being jealous of him. I know I don't have any right to be. I'm sure there are many who will think me petty or say I'm being a whiny bitch, and I'm sure some will judge me for even putting these feeling out there. I'm also sure that some will think I'm a twit for being so negative, because at least he DOES participate with them. I KNOW. I can logically see all sides.

It just stinks being in competition with such an unworthy competitor. I can't/wont win because I can't do/be the 'fun guy'. I refuse to take part in fooling my kids into thinking that the whole world revolves around them and what they want, or think they are entitled to (even though technically my personal world DOES revole around them). I CHOOSE to be the 'mundane' parent because THAT is life!

The kicker is that the children are not mature or 'worldly' enough to see the bigger picture and are easily swayed by a false happiness. They tend to put people on a pedestal based on silly whims and sparkly things. My concern is that the person who is 'fooling' (unintentionally, I think) them also has just about everyone in his life fooled...and I've yet to see his "true" side come to light for the world to see.

I'm jealous....I'm the "Ugly Green Monster"....and it pisses me off. I want to be better than that....I thought I was....

I just LOVE them. I don't want to lose them, even for a moment. It appears as though I don't have much of a choice though so maybe it's time to reconcile myself with THAT and just go with the flow.

Anyone have an extra life preserver?