The Life of a Fool ~ pre-divorce

Sep 28, 2006
The life of a fool...
Current mood:distressed

So....I'm a fool and now I know it. I've wasted almost 10 years of my life being one and I don't know how to feel about it.

It's not easy for me to trust. I've been taken advantage of in every way-for me to put my heart out there and continue to believe that someone has my best interest at heart is a big thing. It's huge!

I grew up being told that there are certain things that are unquestionable...so I didn't question anything....I followed- out of love, out of devotion, out of fear...out of wanting to be wanted, to be approved. As I got older I learned that making the decision to be that way did nothing but imprison me. It left me a shadow of my true self....someone always BEING for everyone else. I learned that EVERYTHING is able to be questioned...and I learned that it's ok to not have all the answers. So I decided....I decided to figure things out myself....I decided to trust of my OWN accord...not because someone told me I had to. I trusted....and I was a fool.

I'm devastated. It get's thrown in my face that I'm jealous...my true feelings are invalidated cause obviously I "must" love if I'm so upset....what is that shit?! I can't be upset that I'm lied to? It can't hurt regardless of who lies to me? I HATE BEING LIED TO!!! I'VE BEEN LIED TO ALL MY LIFE!!! I've been lied to about all the things most important to me....from faith, to love, to what parents are supposed to be, to how relationships are supposed to work, what it means to be loved and cherished....I've been lied to about it all. It sucks! It hurt's! I don't understand how this is ok....I don't understand how someone can be this way to the person they SAY they love and want to spend the rest of thier life with. Over and over again, I've tried to heal from the past, I've tried to move on....and it's always come back around to the same place. It's always come back to things that have been hidden from me....things that should not even go on in the context of the relationship I am in. It's always come back to me trusting again, and me being the fool. I'm not sure I can do that anymore. In fact, I'm almost positive that I can't. I'd rather be a miserable dried up old bitty than have the ONE thing that's so hard for me to give be taken for granted or not appreciated.

I'm literally, physically sick...part of me wants to end.

I'm a bitch, I'm a cunt, I'm a nag, I'm a dictator, I'm controlling, I'm emotional, I'm crazy and need medication, I'm a whore.....apparently I'm all of these things and more....and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't help what I am. It's kind of ironic that I LOVE who I am...in spite of all those things. It's just a shame that no matter what, I am never enough for anyone. I am never worthy of the truth....I am never worthy of having someone completely share thier life with me, I'm not worthy of being honored and cherished. I've become a commodity...almost a necessity, but not quite. If its not me, there'll be someone else, eventually. You dont' need my shit...

I can't believe I've been a fool for so long. I can't believe it....I guess I'm going to have to. Wonder what it's going to be like to move on? I'm scared....and I don't know if I can do it.

9:39 PM